The word “Twitter” sounds sexual to me…somebody’s doing something to something…
If you’re going to see The Dark Knight…take me with you…
(The only way to fly)
The thing I like most about flying…
Is the gassy guy sitting two rows ahead dropping monster, tear inducing, ass-goblins the entire
trip then having the great fortune of getting off the plane before me…
You know; so I can enjoy his musky butt funk for a few more moments…
People who call “dibbs” are idiots…
The concept is stupid. By saying a “word”, everything in reality should be changed. If it’s in
my hand, & I got to it before you did, the only thing you can call is the “Whiner Police” to ask
them if they give a shit…
(Dirt road hugs, are the best hugs)
After a fist date, I like to walk the gal back to her door, tell her I had, “a lovely evening”,
& remind them the reason they were blackmailed to go on the date in the 1st place…
Usually it’s about seeing their cats again, which I already sold to a local Chinese restaurant…
Kids say the darndist things…when you have them gagged & tied up in your trunk…
Can you please pass me the “fire Island” hot sauce? I’d like to ruin my mouth, meal, & ass…
Here’s a quick list of April Fool’s joke’s to play on people:
-Switch similar looking keys on co-workers key chains.
-Tell Cubs fans they’re tearing down Wrigley Field.
-Use your cell phone on a crowed bus say, “It’s contagious to anyone around me doctor?”
-Start crying at work. When your boss comes up to ask you what’s wrong say, “I finally decided to
call you an asshole to your face, but I’ll most likely be fired”
Running on the "You CAN pick your friends, and you can pick your nose; but now you CAN pick your
friends nose...& I'll do it!" slogan...
(The spinning plates magically disappeared)
She appears to be picking up massive votes from the let's ignore the Democratic process, outright
lie attempting to over-turn rules set in place for FLA/MICH, fight for mathematically unattainable
results, & irrevocably damaging the party we're running for possibly causing a loss in the general
She's acting like a seven year old who doesn't have enough money to go to Great America by running
around the house of the Democratic party, flipping tables, screaming "I hate you", destroying couches,
kicking pets, & smearing shit on the walls…
She’s a robot!
Ashton Kutcher reminds me of…
(Ashton declares, “I have the world in my hands”. A set hand correctly points out it’s not a globe;
it’s a disco ball. Then he says, “I fuck chics!”)
…that one guy at house parties who stays in the kitchen the whole night leaning against the counter
saying, “Pffffffffffffffffffft, I’ve seen bigger”…
National Drunk Day! For determined people, that’s everyday. They’re called alcoholics…
Bret Favre announced his retirement today. Even lifelong Bears fans had to respect him because he
played the game the right way. Sadly, he’ll still throw for 398 yards and 3 touchdowns against the
Bears this year…
I found your car keys in my pocket…three years ago. I probably shoulda said something about it…
Have you ever noticed drive-thru ATM’s have brail on the keypads?
(Which ATM isn’t “Temporarily Out Of Service”?)
I guess blind people are driving way more than I thought…
Look what I got for Valentines Day…
(Nothing says “Creeptacular” like a good old-fashioned piece of law paper forcing a whack-job
to keep their distance)
…a restraining order! According to some new law, it’s wrong to charm your favorite gal
with a pair of binoculars and a series of harassing phone calls. “Since when?”, I wondered
aloud. How do young people fall in love now-a-days? The inter-a-nets? In my day, that we called
it “courting”. It was pure, unadulterated, irrationally awkward, illegal love.
BTW-Great news…writers strike is over!
Sorry it's been a while...I blame Guitar Hero III...
(My Guitar Hero III instructor Matthew)
My licks are sick, my chords are wammied, & nobody "hammers on" or does "pull offs"
better than me...by "nobody", I mean anyone missing their fingers. It's a select group…
If you like feeling old, rediscovering your own horribly off beat rhythm, or be
humiliated regularly by 8 and 9 year olds all across this country, I suggest you
play on-line. I find it easier to shuffle a deck of cards filled with razor blades
or stack several household appliances on my head while drinking a jug of my own urine
than hit basic cords to Pearl Jams Even Flow. That's why I'm climbing in my time machine,
and heading back to where games were real, boss, and a little easier to play. Stuff like
punch out. Here I come Glass Joe, Pizza Pasta, and Bald Bull…left, left, right, body blow,
(Funny, I don't remember Uncle Jesse in Punch Out)
The Giants will win Super bowl 42(fuck off roman numerals)…
(Fans wear this to every game to prevent injury from falling dead bodies)
If they don’t, the entire free world’ll have to listen to Bostonians gloat forever.
If you’ve ever heard a Bostonian boast for even 30 seconds, you’ll know exactly why
that can’t happen…
It’s my birthday. I cried, and didn’t want too…
I decided 36 is the “new” 36! It’s so ultra hip, it’ll catch on with all the 29
year-olds…when they finally reach 36…
How do you know you’re gay without saying a word? You bought tickets to Jersey Boys!
(McCain shows Huckabee how to hold a baby before eating it)
That and you’re in a Republican debate. I can’t stand watching two grown men, pretend
to act remotely like know what the fuck their doing. Democrats are no better, but at
least you know they’re not gay. If they were they’d tell you because they need the gay
vote. They’d even consider going “temporarily gay” for a vote.
Debates are like watching two drunks argue. If one of them gets remotely near making
actual sense, they’ll stop, stare straight ahead blank-eyed, say, “Whoa!”, take another
drink, and go right back to arguing.
This New Years Eve, so I decided to make a Dick Clarke piñata…
Take one helium balloon, three squirrel-like rodents, $10.50, and what do you get?
(Theodore’s packing a glock)
Alvin and the Chipmunks. With that in mind, here’s a detailed “list of things I’d rather
do than watch another minute of this film”:
1) Shave the back hair of elderly folk
2) Staple my face
3) Listen to Lindsay Lohan talk
4) Dip my scrotum in lava
5) Eat a years supply of my own feces
I finally found the “x-mas spirit” the other day…it was lying beaten to death with a Whisky
bottle under my bed and starting to stink. Formal murder charges against me are pending.
Our winters are like social Darwinism, trying to kill off 11% of the population…if that doesn’t
get us, a steady overdoes of crappy movie re-makes, taxes, and schlock political ads where one
candidate accuses another of snorting the ashes of his late mother might…
It’s thanksgiving…& my “hand traced turkey” sucks!
(Apparently, Imperial forces crushed my middle & index finger, while my ring
and pinky are enormously swollen from the trauma)
Two quick things, one, give in right away & wear sweat pants too the table. We over eat; if
we can’t accept it, our stretched-out jeans waistline is the only one who gets hurt. Two, if you
have to talk about religion & politics at the table, make sure to have a ref, or a gun…
or a ref with a gun…
**Insert funny thing here**
The older I get, the more I smell like an odd mixture of cheese & pain…
Reminds me of the time I saw a pimp get stabbed in the face by a hooker…good times…
Top five worst Halloween costumes…
5) Razor blade covered hugger
4) The Shit Monster from Dogma
3) Blackface anything
2) Donny Walberg
1) Barry Bonds testicles
When trying to sell something on E-Bay…
(The sickbay for eye exams on the Enterprise)
Always add “blowjob” somewhere in the description…whatever it is, it’ll go quickly…
When I passed by my local mailbox the other day…I thought it said, “Feed me”…
(My local mailbox gives me the cold shoulder)
Then I realized I was just really really high…
Have you ever noticed people act offended at the littlest things? Next time, puke on their shoes…that way you can say, “There! NOW your reaction makes sense”
If someone says the word Rocktober one more time, I’m going to fucking loose it…
In honor of Senator Larry Craig possibly resigning today after being arrested in a Minneapolis
bathroom sex sting, I give you this! It’s based on Laura Branigan’s 80’s hit Gloria, sung by her
brother Peter Branigan, called Gloryhole…
How do you know when you’re in the 7th circle of hell? Two words, Chris Crocker!
No, I’m not talking about the Atlanta Falcons safety; I’m talking about the YouTube babble ass,
whose clip of he/she is bawling for people to “Leave Brittney Spears alone”. It’s the latest
installment in our 15 minutes of shame pop culture.
(It’s Poison without three others & the singing. Trust me, the Album “Gender Bender” or some
other dumbass title is sure to follow)
Babbles just inked a deal with 44 Blue Productions according to Variety. Great, now the asshat
producers of the Geico Cavemen show lost their coveted “Shittiest Show Idea Ever” award. This award
was previously held by The Magic Hour staring Magic Johnson, which in turn was previously co-held
by Fish Police & Cop Rock.
It’s what we do best in America people. We pick a random turd out of the toilet, & then polish
it till it's a shinny trophy...just look at the Grammy's...
A seamen stained truck stop toilet seat is suiting OJ Simpson for identity theft…
(A little out of it, OJ accidentally thought this jersey was his Hello Kitty diary & wrote down
things he likes to order at Carl’s Jr.)
I can’t hold my liquor…my hands were cut off in a nasty table saw accident…
Baby Jesus in a toupee!
(Our lord & savior is shocked with the low low prices at Manny’s Wig & Baby
Sorry, just trying out new reaction lines when someone says something shocking in the office.
Here are a few you can try, let me know how they go over…
Well bottle my water!
Please don’t call to “just catch up”. Have the stones to ask for the money up front…so I can
pretend to be the answering machine…
This is Mittens. She’s my cat.
(Mittens drops a tummy-to-ass treat on my pillow)
The reason I named her Mittens is because Fuck Train Facelift wouldn’t fit on the adoption form…
If you don’t have something nice to say about someone…write it in your blog so the entire world can
see. Putdowns aren’t fun when only two people hear them.
(Maybe a friend. Then again, maybe your parents)
Welcome to Comeback Corner. If a guy says something stupid & foul to you, just reply, “Do you suck
your boyfriends dick with that mouth?”…
Dollars are the new penny! They can buy anything from Fun Dip, to Duracell 9 Volt batteries, or
even be rolled up to do some serious booger sugar.
(Coke party 1 & 2 were OK, but for some reason I’m so AMPED about this one!)
Welcome back 80’s!
Show TONIGHT at the Chicago Center For Performing Arts! Get there!!!
The first five people get, to be the first five people! Hurry, it’ll sell out quickly!
I wrote this joke for Stan from Pepsi at the Taste of Chicago. He said he met a pilot, a
doctor, & a priest who were all alcoholics…
The Mix 101.9 Jeff Corder’s & I commented “Wow, that sounds like the start to one of those
terrible jokes”. Stan laughed. We said, “It’ll be hilarious, the thing practically writes itself”.
Time passed, then Stan called Jeff and I out on it back at the Zanies stage tent. He asked, "What's
the joke then!?". I fumbled, Jeff helped pick me up, but the joke I made up on the spot flat out stunk.
I got on my bike & went home to sleep. The next morning, I sat down & wrote four versions of "Pepsi
Stan's joke". Enjoy Stan from Pepsi!
(Look, it’s my brother!)
A Pilot, a Doctor, & a priest are all sitting together at an AA meeting, when the group leader
stands up saying, "Please share your worst experience of being drunk on the job". The pilot says,
"I was so bombed, I almost crashed the plane into a corn field over Iowa killing everyone". The Dr.
says, "I was so loaded I blacked out during surgery & left my car keys in the guys chest almost killing
him". The priest thinks long and hard about it, then in a thick Irish accent says, "I was so drunk I gave
a toilet to the poor, & shit in the collection basket.”
Here are the three other out lines the priest had...
"I was so drunk I screwed our organist, & rehearsed with our alter boys.”
"I was so drunk I told people Jesus was nailed to a bitch & no son of a cross could ever tell you different"
"I don’t know what hell you guys are talking about, we’re ALLOWED to drink on the job".
Look, I’m a Proctologist!
That’s what the Budweiser Here’s To Beer campaign says…
Would you help me look for my lost puppy? He wandered over by that roadside motel room…
Nothing to see here…
Taste of Chicago, schmaste of Chicago! Damn, 10 days of shows! The stage was a blast, all
the Zanies & Pepsi people rocked, & some of the comics in the competition were damn talented. Way too many
to mention, but look for Hannible, Chon, & Mike Palasack. The one problem for me in doing four shows a day
was it’s like I stumbled into a real freaking job. Weird!
(Last day, can U see the light?)
(Before the 1:30 show on day 3)
(Some stupid cigarette joke)
Now go get overpriced gas & blow off some fingers…it’s our god given right as an American!
Have you noticed I don’t call as often? It’s because you never gave me your number…
SHOW ON SATURDAY!!!
Doctors say if you drink one glass of red wine a day…
…your teeth will look like blackened crap…
Mad about the Soprano’s final show ending?!?!?! You’re not alone…here’s a short I did for FunnyOrDie of
me watching the final episode.
After seeing Pirates of the Caribbean – At World’s End, I decided…
(OUR version of 4 dogs playing poker, without cards)
It’s basically a 2 hr 48 minute blueprint for a shitty new theme park ride…what’s the difference between an animatronic Keith Richards & the real thing?
If Cold Stone Creamery added medicinal marijuana to their ice cream…would they just add a “D” to their title?
Jury Duty!!! Yeah, I said “dooty”, settle down. Very wild! The case was a car accident that involved a 63 year-old African American male, a 13 year-old Asian boy, & 41 year-old mentally challenged man. COMEDY JACKPOT!!!
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh sweet lady Justice…I’d totally hit that shit…I’m into blindfolds…
Ugh. Biking at night, when two cars run a red light going 80mph, while talking on my cell phone…since I was talking on the phone, my left hand was on my front brake! I squeezed it hard, went flying over my handlebars, and landed on…my face! If I were any dumber, the stupidest man on the planet would need a new title.
(Night of: Wha happen?)
(Next day: Oh, THAT happen)
Reminds me of my friend Gillian who had someone open a car door on her while she was biking & BAM! Stitches bitches!
Has anyone noticed my posts are putting on a few extra pounds? Be honest…you can tell the truth. I can take it. Wait…no I can’t…shut up…
I read that birds know exactly who they’re shitting on…
I’d like to go on record as saying Birds Rock!!!
Quit fucking around & open the damn door ya lock Nazi!
I just found out women are more likely to get pregnant in May than any other month…I’m staying inside…
Nothing to see here…except this…
(Keanu Reeves puking)
Whoooa! Welcome to the real world…of carsickness…
What kind of half-ass weekend was that? Get back there and do it AGAIN!
What a sad, sad day. Kids, NEVER bring guns to school…
…or throw pizza at Fenway Park. Guns don’t ruin jackets…slices of Papa Gino’s pizza’s do! The best
part; watch the video of this:
Turd-Slap in the Pats coat hits a FELLOW RED SOX’S fan, who stopped the ANGELS fielder from catching
it. Rumor has it, the dude who got hit was mocking the guy with pizza saying, “What kind of dork orders
a pizza at a Red Sox game?”. Answer: the guy who threw it at you.
This pizza on fan violence has got to stop…call your congressman today…
Premiere of Eden Court at the AMC River East in Chicago tonight!!!
(Pauly & I after the screening)
(Johnny Leuer, Joe Havel, & a dork in a shirt)
(Annie Leuer, Mary-Rose, Ric Arthur, & some loud chump)
(Sunny and me)
The film didn’t explode, people didn’t get out their seats to revolt, & no one threw things! Paul rocked it, rolled it, & with a wiener suit stole it!
Looks like I’ll be doing the Taste Of Chicago this year…and my 4th grade teacher Mrs. Richards said I’d never amount to anything…oh wait, my parents that said that…
I found this on the floor…does it belong to anyone?
…I found tomato soup in a thermos from 1987, a pack of Kools, & a used condom…tough grade school
You can’t tell here…
…but his pants are actually on fire…AND he’s playing the role of Pinocchio in the White House Summer Stock Series…without make-up…
I just realized…I DO look fat in these jeans…
(Me & Death Grip model my slacks)
Here’s a quick list of April Fool’s joke’s to play on someone:
-Sew the sleeves closed on your friend’s favorite jacket
-Tell any Cubs fan they just signed Roger “The Rocket” Clemens
-Say, “Hey, did you hear they’re bringing back Webster; with the ORIGNAL cast?”
-Start crying at work. When your boss comes up to ask you what’s wrong say, “Your wife just broke up with me”
I just shit a bus…for true…it was yellow & black & felt like twenty screaming kids drove out of my ass…
Show tonight! The Improv in Chicago!!
Actually it’s located in Schaumburg; so not really Chicago. More like SUV “mallburbia” with hot soccer
moms!!! So buckle up my bitches & get there!!!!
**Insert creepy music here** It’s like I’m some pedophile skulking around your neighborhood, wearing only a
trench coat while driving an ice cream truck…in winter…
Bracket me BITCH!!! Did you get in your NCAA brackets on time? Here’s mine…
People say cats & dogs can bring you happiness…I say frustration; because they can lick places I only dream of…
Texas has everything. A Cheddars, an Outback Steakhouse, a Chili’s, a Bennigan’s, a Champs Sports Bar, & a strip
club named Wankers. Oh, & get this, they have a chain of places to get your haircut called
WTF kind of name is that? I just want a little off the sides; not a concussion & shattered eye socket. I
supposed they also have a chain of laundry mats called Cock Punchers…
Texas is basically Chicago with cowboy hats and big ass belt buckles…oh yeah, & gun toting moonshine swilling
dads fucking their daughters at every rest stop on the interstate. I kid, I joke…it was a Red Roof Inn, not a rest
Thanks Texas! Mucho fun. I’ll be back soon!!!
A man tried to cash a check…from GOD! Yes, you read it right. A 21-year-old man was arrested Monday after he tried
to cash a check for $50,000 at the Chase Bank in Hobart Indiana that was signed "King Savior, King of Kings, Lord of
The man, Kevin Russell, struggled with police as they tried to detain him, and then threatened police as they
transported him to the Hobart Police Department. Some of the things rumored to have been said, according to me,
were, “Jeeesh, I only going to buy pornography & guns”, “When god bails me out, BOY are you jerks going have egg
on your faces”, & “I don’t even need the money; VISA DOES!”
Ted Haggard wants you to know…
He’s CURED of being gay!!! Yep, it’s just that easy. He went to a gay rehab clinic and they gave him a certificate
that SAYS he’s not gay. So no matter how many twinks he blows, or how many all boy Army shower parties he has…he’s
straight as an arrow. Why? Cause a piece of paper says so…damn, it smell like he’s cooking up some good old fashioned
Off to Texas!!!
You know the old saying about Texas…only TWO things come from Texas, Steers & shitty presidents…I’ll stay away
from that joke when I’m there. Call it a hunch. People there are great, and this will be a BLAST!!! Yeeee Hawwwww!
I find it easier to forget about stuff when you pull the blanket up over your face and don’t answer the phone.
It’s SUNDAY…what the hell could be THAT important or FUNNY that’d you would need to look here?
Baby, I got you a Valentine…
…a country western guitar playing pig singing “Playing With The Queen Of Hearts” while cranked up on
speedballs and Vodka…
What? You don’t LIKE country western guitar playing pigs? Are you sure? I thought I distinctly remember
you saying something about…where are you going?
Thanks 2 EVERYONE for coming out last night!!! Sold out!!! BEST Sunday night show I’ve ever been a part
of. EVER. Thanks to all of you. Everyone brought the heat and rocked that place to the ground. Are those
old Def Lepoard lyrics?
If you didn’t make it, no worries at all…there’ll be others…
**John licks the tip of his pen, then strikes your name off his Will**
Here’s some pics Eric took from the show. Thanks Stuiber!!!
Big thanks out to Patti Vazquez!!! She’s one of kind, loves the elderly, and is currently undefeated in
Connect Four. She brought the funk, laid it down, then spun it!
Today I just read in the paper, that “Loneliness is linked to Alzheimer’s”…well no SHIT…you can’t even
remember the friends you DO have…
(Where did I park my car? Do I even have ONE?)
Get this…a good friend, who I play softball with, called me up because he needed someone to play a doctor
for an Anheuser Bush Bud Light spot. Naturally I told him to go fuck off, because I’m no sell out punk ass
bitch. He said, “You’d make around $3,000 for a couple hours of work. I quickly asked how many times he’d like
his dick sucked, even offering to work his nudicals at no charge.
Suddenly, I LOVE Bud Light!!!
(It’s mine NOW)
Our Bears lost in the Super Bowl, but what a ride! Way to go boys, Chicago is VERY proud of you.
Now as for Ron Turner and Hex Grossman…that’s another story. BUT, in usual Chicago fashion, when dealing
with pain…we laugh. The Grossman jokes are already starting:
What’s the difference between Rex Grossman and a Tiwansee hooker?
NOTHING, they both suck for a lot of money!
The other day I listened to Nirvana’s Smell’s Like Teen Spirit backwards… suddenly I got three years of
college back along with 5lbs of weed...
Go get tickets for the February 11th show at Joe’s on Weed Street! You can go here to get them…hurry
because the show WILL sell out, and I no can help jew get them wheeen it does…
Get tickets get tickets get tickets get tickets get tickets get tickets get tickets
get tickets get tickets get tickets get tickets get tickets get tickets get tickets get tickets get tickets
get tickets get tickets get tickets get tickets get tickets get tickets get tickets get tickets
get tickets get tickets get tickets get tickets get tickets get tickets get tickets get tickets
get tickets get tickets get tickets get tickets get tickets get tickets get tickets get tickets
get tickets get tickets get tickets get tickets get tickets get tickets get tickets get tickets
get tickets get tickets get tickets get tickets get tickets get tickets get tickets get tickets
get tickets get tickets get tickets get tickets get tickets get tickets get tickets get tickets
get tickets get tickets. Did it work yet? No? OKKKKKKK… get tickets get tickets get tickets get tickets
get tickets get tickets get tickets get tickets get tickets get tickets get tickets get tickets get tickets
get tickets get tickets get tickets get tickets get tickets get tickets get tickets get tickets get tickets
get tickets get tickets get tickets
Hey, look what I got for my birthday…
fucking older…should I put my name on the liver donor list now?
Today’s breaking news is in honor of Gwyn from the IRC! She came up with such a great thread called
You know you’re wearing too much perfume when…
...people sniff the air & say, "Uh, Bob Guccione must be in town"...
…people begin clawing their nose screaming while Clint Howard runs up and yells "I'm INFESTED!" in your face...
...someone lifts up the back of your shirt to see if you were accidentally set to whore…
...you pass an area and time itself ceases to exist...
Oh, I almost forgot…GO BEARS!!!!
The President wants to send more troops into Iraq, try 21,500 to be exact. It isn’t called an escalation,
it’s an “augmentation” or “surge”. Sounds more like an odd mix between fake tits and a sugary energy drink
from Coca Cola.
Two out of every three Americans oppose this idea. Not Surge energy drink which is quiet refreshing and cool,
but the plan. For the 33% and shrinking, here’s an overly simplified position summed up by Michael O'Hanlon of
the Washington Post “However mediocre its prospects, each main element of the president's plan has some logic
behind it. On the military surge itself, critics of the administration's Iraq policy have consistently argued
that the United States never deployed enough soldiers and Marines to Iraq. Now Bush has essentially conceded his
critics' points. To be sure, adding 21,500 American troops (and having them conduct classic counterinsurgency operations)
is not a huge change and may be too late.
But it would still be counterintuitive for the president's critics to prevent him from carrying out the very
policy they have collectively recommended.”
His theory is like dumping two tea spoons of sugar on top of a cake when we were supposed to mix FIVE CUPS
with the batter in the beginning but told the head chef "You're a fucking idiot, you don't know the first thing
about cakes" and fired him. We also forgot to put in eggs, didn't mix it, & replaced the baking powder with vinegar.
Now we pull it out of the oven, it tastes horrible, and we say, "Right, you idiot chefs wanted sugar with it, didn't
you?". Then we sprinkle six more tea spoons on top, say "There, you got exactly what you wanted, so everyone who asked
for sugar, stop your bitching & eat the cake", and all the while it still tastes like crap. We've now made a shit
cake...all be it a slightly sugary topped shit cake…and probably not for diabetics…but a shit cake
If you go hunting with Dick Cheney, make sure to wear a bulletproof face…
Hey, you're right...it's not as funny the second time your hear it...
I found a new cereal bowl that drains the milk for you…
How cool is that? No more soggy Fruity Pebble milk for this jerk…
All hurricanes have officially changed their names to Ohio State…because nothing in the history of man has
ever blown this hard…that includes Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan, & the film Corky Romano…
The Poinsettia Bowl? Why not San Diego County Credit Union presents the Crysanthimum Bowl?
How about the Dodge Dracocephalum Bowl, or the Othero Rag Weed Bowl?
Let’s just call this what it is. It’s the “I’m going to avoid my wife at all costs by sitting my fat ass on
the couch for three weeks watching Shitty State take on Whateverthefuck University” Bowl!
Nappy Hew Year everybody!!!!! Remember, pants work better around your waist, when there at your ankles,
you’re most likely shit faced…
Bam! I gots the hottest gaming system in town from Santamaclause bitches…no, it’s ain’t a PS3…we’re talking…ATARI!
(This could also make long distance phone calls, start a nuclear war, and make delicious waffles)
You can have your “awesome” graphics and cool first person shooters. I want my game where a square can be
a person, tanks can look like a blob of grape jelly on the screen, Pac-Man like he has Down syndrome, and
basketball where white people can play yellow people without fear of racial comments. Magical times people…now
if you’ll excuse me, I have to protect my “space station” from “Invaders”.
My Christmas tree looks drunk…
(I don’t know whether to hug it or shoot it)
Hey, it’s almost X-mas time so be nice already…you fucking jerk…
Charity show! Check “shows’ if you’re in towny town. It’s for a good a cause, so don’t be a jerkbag
and give till your liver hurts…
Show in AURORA on December 21st, 22nd, and 23rd!!! That’s right, a hometown show for all my sweet ass
people from Aurora…all three of you!
Bring cops! Only Aurora cops! Nothing better than having fun police around when you’re drinking. They’ll
do crazy gun tricks and show you cool submission holds…
Rex Grossman should start charging $100 per game if he's gonna suck that much...at least Rex gives
retarded children someone to make fun of...
If he keeps playing this badly, his fan mail’s gonna be sent with the ol’ “One Cent Stamp”…
It’s so cold, my nuts just shot out my pant leg!
A telemarketer calls me the other day. They said, “Hello may I please speak to Mr. Bowlger?”. Pretty
obvious when they butcher you name like that, so I said, “No, he was in a very serious car accident and is
in the ICU at Northwestern Hospital but asked I take down any important messages. Can I take a message?” They
pause letting this new information effect them , then they say, “Um no thanks, just tell him this a courtesy
call from Citibank”.
Turkey day is right around the corner! So never go hunting with Dick Cheney...unless you have a
What are you looking at? Get you ass back to work!
Checked the November 7th ballets. This is bullshit! I don’t have enough room for my “write-in” candidate
of Misappropriated Funds, Doug Grossvongrosserthangrosserson…
(Doug accidentally decorates Tony Stepincowshitski’s shirt at “Kegger in the Quad”)
Wanta see where all the magic happens? I give you, my workspace…
(Notice the edge of an empty bottle of Gordon’s Gin. What can I say, I’m extremely health conscious.)
All souls day? Sounds like a shitty shoe salesman’s joke.
(Poor Al. He just wanted cash and his couch and all he got were corns and crappy comments)
CUSTOMER: “Excuse me, do you have these in a 7 wide?”
SHOE GUY: “We only sell the bottom part. The rest of the shoe is sold separately today.”
SHOE GUY: “It’s all SOLES day”
CUSTOMER: “Ahhh, then perhaps I’ll just wrap your anus around the uncovered part?”
SHOE GUY: “…so it was a size 7 wide you were looking for?”
CUSTOMER: “That’s correct”
Happy Hallow weenus!
This is where the name “Flying Elvis’s came from)
Showy show showerson!!! Get out and see Mamacita with Patti Vasquez before I paste you one good see!
Spring ahead and fall behind. I feel behind…into 7 captain & cokes! My good friend David had his bachelor
party in Edison Park. Great seeing so many old friends like Mark B, Steve M, and that one guy with the raging
That town had a really nice feel…of meeting every citizen after only three hours. I’m not saying it’s
small-town suburbia, but you could carry shotguns into any bar, there were more clicks than someone operating
a remote control with Parkinson’s, and apparently teeth were an option. Sweet place, I’d love to raise a nice,
straight from the Jack Daniels bottle swilling, racist family there sometime. I kid, I joke, I love.
Dave, best of luck!
I’d like to do an impression of Rush Limbaugh…with Michael J. Fox’s foot up his ass…
**John bends over, pushes out his gut, then starts shaking uncontrollably back & forth**
November 7th elections are right around the corner. You can smell the desperation mixed with bullshit. When
I typed “November elections” into Yahoo, here’s what came up. First, we have…
(Awwww…wook, she’s wearning about Democwacy)
(Don’t shoot! I just want to VOTE)
Then, I shit you not, THIS…
(With his strict “wheel laws”, “clean cages act”, and “fresh water for every hangy bottle bill”…snowflake has become the perfect
“anti-eating your young” candidate for all hamsters to rally around)
I’ve noticed that Sunday’s in Chicago are like Tuesday’s everywhere else…
Teaching a workshop at U of Chicago!
(If you look very closely, you can see the eagle has Glenfiddich Scotch in his talon)
It’s the Improv comedy Mecca of the universe. It’s where everything started for Improv and where Second City
was born. There was the Compass Players, May and Nichols, and the kids who wrote that 80’s cartoon The Snorks™.
It’s for Off Off, their university theater group, and happens on November 3rd. I’ll let you know how it goes.
If I come back missing a hand, this’ll just take longer to type…
Wow! The whole water to wine thing Jesus did was cool and all, but coming back after being down by 20 points
late in the 3rd quarter is…better than sex!!!
(Rex Grossman shows his fantastic “ball handling” abilities. Put it this way, he’d be fired if he were a testicle Dr.)
Wait. Not sex. NEVER sex. How about we call that comeback one of the best MNF games in history…considering their
offense didn’t score a single point?
Wait a second, you can’t. Their D is #1 in the league against the run, so maybe you could just take a knee
every down. Does that work for you Arizona? I was able to find the first complete photo of everyone on the Bears D…
(This could also be a photo of City Hall)
Here’s what I’ll be dressing as this Halloween…
(Dash Lambert, Sofa Salesman)
Then I’ll fuck my way to guest appearances on The Fall Guy, Silver Spoons, and Miami Vice II-Electric Boogalo…finally
landing the role of Joey’s “alcoholic military father” on Gimme A Break.
Snow? SNOW this morning? Are you shitting me? Guess it’s time to crack out the hunters orange snowsuits…and make snow
angels on the Kennedy…during rush hour!
Corey Lidle. Plane. Crash. Died. Sad. The world will greatly miss you buddy.
Why do asswipes have to build 50 floor condos? “Oh look at me, I’m a fancy pants high falutten 50th floor condo
jerk who’s sooooooooooo high in the sky…there’s a PLANE in my living room!
Thanks for helping my fantasy baseball team in 04…like you had a choice or something.
Sundays remind me of that kicked in the groin stinging sensation …
Hey Susan, remember that Dinosaur Insurance I tried to sell you?
Who’s the retard now? Oh yeah, terribly sorry about Peter being crushed, then eaten…
What’s that? Not enough Mark Foley jokes™out there yet? Enjoy these! They’ll have a shelf life of the next five seconds…
-In interviews, Dennis Hassart acts like the kid who didn't do his homework by using the old "My pedophile
homo senator ate it" excuse...
-I heard he's running the new ride at Neverland Ranch...the Un-Zipper, -In all fairness, Foley's only going to receive a slap on the wrist...then the ass...then the wenis
-Foley recently called Dennis Hastert to apologize by saying, "I specifically told pages never to talk
to the media with their mouths full"
-Foley denies rumors he engaged in sexually explicit text messages with under aged teen boys by saying, "That could
have been ANYONE using my IM account…besides, on the days in question, I was attending the Cub Scouts Swimsuit Competition…
This shit writes itself people…
I found this new tape in your Walkman…
I found this old tape in your closet…
Mamacita tonight! Get there! It’s the show with Patti V. Very funny. You love me for it. Here’s the poop:
Still in the running for writing joby job at Q101! Whew, maybe my quest for full health care coverage isn’t over!
I found this on the floor. Does it belong to anyone here?
Anyone? No? All right then, we’ll start the biding at twenty. Can I get $20, $20, $20, who’s got $20, do I hear
$20…how about $10, $10, $10, who’ll give me $10…$5, $5, $5, people, come on! It’s a steal at $5. Just $5 for this
nice, cute, little white kid. Who’ll give me $5 $5, $5, $5
I got $5! $5 is my high bid. We got $5, $5, $5, anyone want go higher than $5? Any others? $5 going once, $5
going twice, sold to that golden lab right over there!
**Dog trots over, drops $5 on floor, picks up the basket with the child in his mouth and trots away**
Moving on to lot #69…a used condom from Geraldo
We’ll start the biding at a rusty nickel…
Sunday night, only one show, great crowd, and the Bears beat the snot out of the Fudge Packers. Kick ass!!!
Heading home tomorrow morning and going to unplug, recharge, and relax after four days of shows. Big thanks out
to all the splenderffical people at the Miami Improv from Tony, to Mirium, to Marty, to Gideon, to Rene! The reason
we have cracks in our buts is because all you guys kick so much ass!!!
Best part of the night was doing a bit about mocking drunk people from out of town I say, “Boy, I really love
these here Mojayto’s” while stumbling and making the drinky motion. This girl shouts out, “It’s pronounced
Mo-He-Toe!”. The entire crowd erupts in laughter knowing I mispronounced it on purpose. All I could do was laugh
and say, “Thanks sweetie, if you like I’ll give you the “home version” of my act to play at your own pace”.
I worked with two other very cool comics, Rodie Castro from San Fran, and Robert Hawkins from Miami/Coconut
Grove. This was the “three show” night. That’s when you find you stumbled into a real job. You get there at 7:30
and don’t leave till 2:30…or 4:30 if you head out to Oxygen Bar dancing with Malika and Melissa. Say hi girls!
My liver is broken.
Showy show showerson! The highlight was Sunny filmed both sets so I’ll make sure to post it on YouTube under
(That’s me, J. Mandyam. I do this killer bit about ABC’s new Middle-Eastern show called Shawarma & Greg.
Married couples don’t need to get a divorce. Just go to Miami and it will all take care of itself.
Shheeeeessssshhh, I’d take the rejects from this city and walk away happy.
Miami crowds kick so much ass it should be illegal. They were racially mixed, fun, and mostly drunk! My
kind of people.
The Improv is wild. The green room is right behind the stage, so you actually walk out into the stage
though a smoked glass-like screen porch door. Exactly like this one:
It was odd. I’m used to walking through crowds to they get a nice looooong look at my goofy assed mug.
Every time I’d walk through that door on stage I felt like some 73 year-old neighbor who accidentally stumbled
onto a comedy show. “Oh sorry, I didn’t see all you there drinking your colored drinks. Is this some sort of
Two words, Cat Man!
No, it’s not a typo of Batman like I or my assistant Stephan are prone to do. It’s Dominique Le Fort, one
of the most famous street performers at Key West during the sunset. I shit you not(haven’t dusted that old
chest nut off in while), at least 200+ people crowed around to catch a glimpse of him putting on a Siegfried
& Roy type tiger show with house cats. FUCKING HOUSE CATS! It’s funny, cool, odd, wild, silly, and amazing.
The little bastards even jump though FIRE.
I couldn’t get my cat Stanley to stop cleaning his balls we cut off or shitting in my shoes. It’s like some
bizarre miniature tiger show for couple of bucks. You’ll never look at your cat the same way again. Then again,
I ended up taking mine down to the local Chinese restaurant where they pay $30 a piece for em so what do I know.
Key West rocks! It’s like shoving every amount of drinking, ocean adventure, partying thing you can do all
on one 4 X 2 mile island. Oh yeah, and it’s 90 miles from Cuba with more queers then an International Male Leather
Cock Sucking Competition.
Down to FLA for a little party time in Key West, then back up to Miami for shows. Spread the word like it’s
an STD bitches!!!
Patti V and I met today to talking about punching up her show starting September 10th. We wrote a couple
new bits, added some audience stuff, and new game show like thing called “Jackpot OR Crackpot” talking about
her days of dating guys going thought them ala The Jokers Wild.
This will be a lot of fun. Patti is great people. She’s very funny, and one my good friends in comedy. One
of my first shows was with her. Oh yeah, and she’s got big sweater hams too!
Tried to join Steely Dan’s fan club...but all it did was link me to Joker Rolling Papers™, a version of Hey
Nineteen done by the Barking Dogs™ for $4.99, and Gallagher’s tour dates…oh yeah, and they were looking for Owen
Wilson’s phone number.
Submitted to Q101 for a writing job on the new morning show and will find out within the next couple weeks.
Please keep your testicles crossed…or ovaries, can’t forget the ladies.
Show rocked. People were great! Chicago is ALWAYS the best place to do comedy. Unless you’re in New York…then
NYC is ALWAYS the best place to do comedy.
Found this old photo of Bon Jovi!!!
Yeah we were pretty close those days. I remember singing, “We've got to hold on ready or not, You live for
the fight when it's all that you've got! Ohhhhhh mumble mumble mumble mumble, Ohhhhh LIVING ON A PRAYER!”
Hey, I just found out, our president sucks. Sorry, I’ve had my head up George “macaca” Allen’s ass for last
six years. It’s refreshingly fruity…
Sweet, my senior year pictures from 1989 finally came in!!!
Awesome Hog Head McDunna’s show suckas! It was a slice of good times on a bun!!! The crowd was great, booze
was flowing like waterfalls, and the HA HA was officially brought. Pete and I met some good people Ruthie and
Chance. Talked with Martin G, the main Scottish man, and saw some other funny people. Good times…good times…
Show tonight!!! Pull your thumb out your ass and get there…or don’t if it feels really good,
Sorry lambs! Last minute tweeking on episode #3. Want it done right so I’ll release it NEXT Monday the 7th.
To wet your saucy ear huts, this next show will contain a spot for the brand new KISS Coffee House, canine Illinois
Senator Mr. Snickers, and a book-on-tape of Amish Pick Up Lines!
Have yourself a kick ass Monday and please feel free to spit in someone’s coffee you strongly dislike…
Awww Hezbollah no he didn’t!!!
Fuck you. You didn’t guess anything. You just moved your eyes down and read this. You’re a jerk ass. Here
I trust you to do something, but can you? OOOOOOhhhhhhhhh NNNNNNNNNNNNooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.
**Head down, depressed, and hurt**
Well here it is anyhow….it’s not nearly as cool as if you would have ACTUALLY guess it. But here; it’s my
new channel on YouTube with new never seen before shorts…
Some people split atoms; others cure disease…Sara Jenkins drinks with her tits!
Whoops. Mancow, or Matt, or Eric if you like is no longer on Chicago radio. Wow, I guess things are finally
looking up for Chicago radio.
He seems like a nice enough guy. I met him at Zanies in Vernon Hills after a show I did with Emo. He came
up to me and said, “Hey, great stuff, very funny”.
All I could think was, ”what a fucking chatter box”, and, ”jeeeesh, shut up already, you said 5 words so
enough with the yapping”. Meh, out with the old…hell, it gives the rest of us comic starving for money a jobby job.
Tune into America’s Got Talent on NBC tonight where Chicago’s own Mark “The knife” Faje will tear Hasselhoff
a new one! No, for serious, that’s his big trick…to shive David Hasselhoff in the neck…so finish up diner before
Looks like I might help my friend Patti out with her new show called Tequila and Shamrocks. She wants it be
like a Graham Norton type live show. Sounds splenderiffically succulent…now where did I leave that dead body?
**Finger tapping chin**
Spoke with Bob today about the Disco Demolition film and he’s pretty sure it’s going to happen! This film
will be one fun ride through baseball, Chicago, and pop cultures time machine. In fact, it’ll be so good that
the film will collect names BEFORE any ass’s are kicked. Can you even do that?
Looks like filming will start here next summer. He did mention period pieces are a hard sell, but that
Lion’s Gate was very interested. Hell, they should be, b/c it’d kick the ass off a donkey. Was honored Bob
asked me to help with the script by adding some local Sox lore comedy and south side characters. There might
be a part for Ray the old brother “stoner” with his cheesy mustache who looks like he walked off the pages
of Doonesbury. This’ll be amazing, fun, and help honor a fallen comedy friend.
Show me your fingers! Somebody didn’t have to light any short wicks…
I really want to see Pirates of the Caribbean “Dead Man Chest”…or Garfield Tale of Two Kitties.
You know what France?
Freddy “Rerun” Stubbs called…he wants his hat back. BE-HOTCH!
Working on doing a show out at Payton’s Round House in Aurora soon. You know, so people who always ask
me, “So what you doing?”. I can just say, “remember that night you saw me at Payton’s? Well, THAT”.
Hey, I saw your sister the other day. She looked good. The crack pipe in mouth was a little outta place, but who am I to judge?
Podcast will be coming out by end of July. Sorry so long, just a lot of other shit has come up. It’s
all good stuff, just doesn’t give me a lot of time to get you stuff quickly. That’s why I got this for you…
I didn’t know your size and didn’t want that awkward moment when it’s wrong, so I returned it and got you this…
This’ll shock you. It was waaaaaaaaaaaaaaay cheaper. In fact, the guy gave me $3 to take it. So here you go,
your Friday night entertainment is on ME!
Sorry, been busy. It’s not my fault. But you know I love you baby. I’d never hurt you. Here, wipe those
tears away with some other girl’s panties.
Man-o-man, I found a penny…then got hit by a car. Lucky my broken ass!
Have a lot of summer shows in Chicago! Check the Shows thingy, or don’t, see if I care.
**Huddles in a corner with his back to you waving away**
Go on, it’s not important now. You don’t have to look. You made your choice. I’ll be fine…alone…forever…in a CORNER!
June! When people automatically start having impromptu BBQ’s for no fucking reason.
Ever notice sometimes we smell bad? I’ve heard it helps when you take a shower. I know it sounds weird, but for real,
it does. That and something called D-E-O-D-E-R-A-N-T…what ever that magical thing is.
Benefit show in Wisconsin! It benefits breast cancer so that’s gotta be a good thing. I have man boobs and hate cancer.
Fuck you cancer!
Writing sketches for episode #3! Taking with local radio about a show. Talking to the cops about my MySpace page.
Since when is having photo’s of kids in their underwear chained to a dungeon wall being sodomized a crime? It’s
art…or possibly a felony…
Just got back from FLA and it was rocking fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuun. Did just about every touristy thing in the book from
seeing Lolita the Killer Whale at Miami Seaquarium, to an airboat ride in the glades, to working in Dale Earnhardt Jr’s
pit crew. Boy was my neck was RED. I think they call them “red necks” because they work so hard every day that their neck
becomes red from the sun…or their heads down while napping on the job.
We even saw this mutha alligator! It was this show where an trained alligator handler placed his hand on the top of the
snout, then deep inside the gators mouth, only pulling his hand out before the massive jaws came crashing shut! It sounded
like two crock pots slamming together. It looked like me trying to take my dad’s wallet as a kid before he woke up and
Spoke with Comedy Central again today and they couldn’t have been cooler! It was with the assistant of one of the people
I meet with and was told he had a motorcycle accident; which would account for the small delay in getting back to me.
Shit balls! That sucks wind. Guess he was turning a corner and the bike jutted out from under him and landed on his leg,
kind of like trying to drive a Pontiac Fiero in the snow. Nothing broken, but plenty of leg damage. Enough where he needs therapy…
This puts a tiny hold on the pitch until he comes back to work in a couple weeks, but I’m really more concerned with him and
just glad nothing was broken. In fact, I’m going to send him an Evel Knievel doll jumping Snake River Canyon. My note’ll read “Glad
nothings broken and you’re OK. Now you can keep training to jump Snake River Canyon”.
5:39pm. Teaching. Fun. Kids. Ohio, Great. Tired. Shutting down. Unplugging for one week.
Got in at midnight. Midway looks so funny that late. I keep thinking the guy with the buffer was going to rape me. Have
to get up in three hours to get in a car and drive to Ohio to teach improv. This is all you get, sorry, I’m falling asleep
while I’m ty………..zzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Wow! Meeting went well. We met for like about 45 minutes again, but this time, but it was only for one pitch instead of two!
It was high energy and was great seeing them again. If I ever do a sketch show, it’s going to be with them. We talked about Colbert
at the press corp. diner and what that meant to social satire. They’re excellent people to talk comedy with and really understand
how to develop a solid show. It felt great.
They said sketch was a hard sell around there, but we listened the first two sketches of Episode #2 from the podcast, asked if
they could keep it, I said “sure”, and they said, “This helps A LOT!”. They’re going to go over the pitch in meetings with people
on Monday, Wednesday, and Thursday getting back to me by late next week. Last time, it was more of a “We’ll get back to you” without
a specific time frame.
After the meeting, I was sky high and excited so I called my mom, brother, friends, and even an ex-girlfriend along the way just
to rub it her face. Yeah, I’m weak and shallow, but at least I had that “Real Life Movie Moment” where bastard people get their
comeuppance. Wanted to let them all know the meetings good vibe. It really doesn’t mean much until you are actually shooting the
first episode, but this was another step closer to having your creative work come to life and it felt so wild like some shot of
adrenaline. Keep you posted on what’s happening with this whole thing.
Last recording day! Have Jim, Patti V, Leuer and me doing last pass lines. This is such a blast creating something fun for you
rapscallions to listen too. It’s an honor!
Also gearing up for the pitch with a last minute writing session to hammer out exactly what needs to said and accomplished.
Flying out tomorrow morning early and haven’t slept in a while…what’s that? I should take a nap. Thanks talking dishwasher!
Final writing day for episode #2! Last minute tweaking, sound correction, all that jazz. Sorry, I know I promised the 5th,
but it’ll actually be the 11th. I’ll have it out before I leave to LA. What can I say, I’m the kind of guy that could just go
the extra two feet and put the clothes IN the laundry hamper, but instead place them ON TOP. I’m a…what do you call it…oh
yeah…a lazy asswipe.
Michelle D came and recorded some lines for the podcast today! Big thanks to her. We had sooooo much fun it came out our
Balls! I’m collecting all the White Sox players’ mini-balls. Sound odd? Like I’m some high-fluten testicle doctor. I’m
officially “nerding out” and buying those “mini balls” with the player’s photos on them. Why, you ask?
I don’t know…it feels good, & the newspaper told me to. You know, when the newspaper tells you ANYTHING, you better do it!
Podcast schmodcast. Episode #2 is coming next week! Or, I’m like congress and lying…
Pitch meeting with Comedy Central on May 11th to talk about a possible sketch comedy show! One step closer
to Bolger on TV regularly. Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww, creepy.
CIF is in town! Heading to see Ike, maybe do some improv, and see some other friends. If you never heard of the
Chicago Improv Festival, just GO. If you have, just GO. If you have but were in a serious car wreck, speedy recovery.
It’s funny, saucy, electric.
Meeting on my screenplay. The guy was really wealthy, but also a big time jerk. My back hurt from all the names
I had to pick up after he dropped them. Meh, until we find the right home for the movie. On the shelf it’ll sit.
Funeral! My aunt Marylyn passed away on early Friday morning so we spent all Saturday morning attending the
wake, the mass, then gravesite. It was a three for one kinda day. At the wake, I was thirsty and wanted water.
They had a vending machine, so I put in a dollar. I hit the button on the bottom and nothing. Again, and nothing.
I bent all the way down and saw that little fucking light telling me it was out. Crap! Welp, I’ll just get my
money back. No dice. It wouldn’t give it back. I looked the selection up and down and didn’t want any of it, but
figured since I already paid for it, I’d get something popular to pawn off on someone. I did the Dew, Mountain Dew,
then went around to everyone during the wake asking if they wanted it. No takers till the end from my cousin.
Was a paul bearer along with my cousin Greg, so we had to wear these white gloves. My aunt didn’t weigh that
much, but with the gloves the casket kept slipping out of my hand. I was shitting a brick. What happens if I drop
my side and it nails the ground? Now I’m the big asshole that dropped my dead aunt. Luckily I took the glove off
my holding hand without anyone noticing, but with shit like that your mind plays tricks on you by thinking people
are watching SO closely someone will stand up and yell, ‘Hey, that man isn’t wearing a glove on his carrying hand.
He’s tainted this entire funeral!”
The mass was longer than a CNN expose on Immigration law. For those who don’t know, that’s freaking loooooong. The priest was so old; I was half expecting us to maybe do a two for one funeral if he didn’t make it though the mass. We laid her to rest and placed flowers on the casket. It felt like a movie, except no one yelled cut and Kraft Services was nowhere to be found. I did have a Kraft cheese and crackers in my pocket that kept making noise, but not the same. She lived to the old age of 87 so she had a great run. Marylyn was very religious, but also a couple clown short of a full circus. It was a just somber day.
Like the Star Light Express Band, it was time for a little afternoon delight…at the Sox vs. KC 1:05 pm game!
Wow, weather was great, beer was being poured, the buying of peanuts and crackerjacks was happening. The only
thing was, I DID care if we ever got back. I had to type this shitty drivel.
I guess Jesus came back from the dead. BULLSHIT! As far as I know he’s till working on cars down at Manny’s
Auto Plaza on Fullerton and Western…
**Someone leans over and explains it’s Jesus Christ people are talking about and not the Mexican sir-name “Hey-zeus”
Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh THAT Jesus…
Met with the head of the Theater Department at U of Chicago in Hyde Park about teaching comedy there this
summer and next fall when I’m in town. She was very interested, which shocked me after I started off the
conversation with “They let a WOMAN be director of the Theater Department…wow, what’s next women lawyers? That’s
just crazy talk.”
Spoke with FOX today and they are interested in talking about working on a show together soon. Looks like
it would be sketch comedy format, but things are in the early stages so like the pirate said with only one good
eye, “we’ll see…or we won’t”
Sure, I see how it all works. When I go to the games, THEY LOOSE. Sox lost both games I saw, but the great
news was we got replica world series rings and they are actually pretty cool!
Willie took me, and now I feel like we’re dating. He paid for everything…the least I could of done was open
the car door for him. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again…I’m a shitty date.
White Sox opening day…I mean night…I mean RAIN! They won only after a three and a half hour rain delay. Going
to game 2 of the season tomorrow, in a puffy snowsuit, with a bell. Sersiously, try to look for me…
Sorry, I slept with your sister last night, but I did leave her a really sweet note about how things “just
happen” and what a “sexy, kind, wonderful person” she is…APRIL FOOLS! I don’t write notes, because I can’t. Never
learned how. I’m not even typing this right now, it being done by very intelligent cat named Mr. Mittens. He’s a
lawyer from Boston, but as you can image, not many clients will hire a cat because they bathe themselves with their
tongue, they can’t speak, and they shit in a little box in front of everyone during court…APRIL FOOLS!!! Mr. Mittens
is a wealthy plastic surgeon cat, not a lawyer at all! Man, you guys are sooooooooooooo damn gullible.
MC’d the Fantasy Baseball Draft from the Hidden Shamrock League all afternoon and it was awesome. Pants were
optional, people were drafted, and booze was flowing like bullshit from politicians. Great drafts by Kevin F, El
Scotcho, the Felchers, Greg F, Timmy boy, RAM, Shelly the Machine Levine, Joey’s LaSalle Street Parade, and Jimmy S.
Nice work crew!
Putting together another podcast for you crazy kids! Looks like it’ll be out end of April, early May. Why?
Because you wonderful bastards are worth it, and from the great numbers it’s putting up, I guess you guys actually
Thanks out to all of you for downloading the cast, listening, and spreading the word! Now get back to work
before your asswipe boss comes over for his afternoon “chit chat” about productivity in the work place while
drinking out of his #1 Dad mug.
Whoa whoa whoa George’s crying! For those of you who don’t know, he’s the former Illinois governor who was
responsible for an Illinois State driver’s license scandal that resulted in a family dying on the high way with
a “fake” license. He’s in the deep stuff.
Looks like prison time is coming down the pike for Old Man Winter. Not the “daily beating” “join a gang”
“get a tattoo” “learn a new type of card game” “ass rape party” kind, but more of the “let’s golf” kind. It’ll
be white-collar prison which is a like the life we wish we had just behind a big wall, and with a lot more friends
You see that? It’s right around the corner…baseball season! This is where some women stop reading, basketball
fans stop reading, and blind people stop reading. In all fairness the blind people never even had to start reading
this ridiculous crap so good for them!
White Sox look like she-hit in Spring Training, but they’ll come alone. We’ll have a lot more power in the
line-up this year and pitching is still just as good. Were actually going to be a different team, a better team,
a team of Cyborg Robots hell bent on inter galactic domination…OR, just trying to win a really tough AL Central.
I liked the first one.
Why does it taste like a kitten shit in my mouth and is everything loud? HANGOVER Yeah! Do you have horrible
guilt, endless shame, wearing someone else’s panties? Hope your St Patty’s day was fun.
We went to see Mike “Tension” Nevitt fight again last night. It was great! He had his green trunks with yellow
piping on the side and yellow shamrock. He fought this really tough kid out of Iowa who looked like a two-ton shit
brick house. They listed him at 190. Yeah, maybe his left testicle. He was a bull-rusher type with a solid left.
Mike was killing this kid with speed, picking off shots as he went along. He was winning on the cards by a mile
when this kid caught Mike in the 4th and stunned him a little. But Mike’s a pro, he clinched to get out of the
round, then went on to out box him by moving, landing kick ass combo’s, using his speed, and making the kids face
look like a bloody balloon. Great fight. One coming up in May, but THIS time he gets to use lead gloves…
The Bolgernow podcast is finally HERE! After all this damn time, after ALL this damn talk. It
BETTER be good!!! The best part, it’s FREE, so instead of having to see me in a club for $25 per
ticket plus two over priced Sea Breezes, you can take me to worky work with you FOC (Free Of
Charge)…unless you work at a sausage factory; then leave me at home.
Buckle up fuckers; it’s going to be a fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuun podcast ride! Also, big thanks out
to Tim Madden for his excellent podcast logo!
Sheeesh! Stop looking already will ya? I’m working on the best podcast for all you glorious
bastards…and things are looking good. Make sure you’re ready to rock at midnight on the 16th which
should be when it’ll be available for download.
The podcast is coming together! Mixing down sound today. I will give you a teaser to wet your taste
buds. One of the sketches is called The All New Hardy Boy Hip Hop Adventures…featuring Master P and
the Thug Killaz. Yummy, huh?
Don’t look now, but it’s March…so it’s in like a lion, and you’re a Christian, RUN!
New podcast release date set! My promise isn’t worth shit (See 1/28/06). I could give you lame
ass excuses about why “this” happened, or “that” ruined something, but it doesn’t change the fact
there’s not a podcast for you to download. Besides, it’d just make me sound like the Bush Administration.
Since this is all for you, its gotta to be the best and won’t be released until it is.
The good news is it will be here March 17th! That’s right, just in timey time for St. Patty’s,
or as we Irish call it, national liquor day. Hope you like it, spread the word like a scorching case
of Spring Break herpes, and don’t trust whitey!
England rocks! Nottingham is amazing. We moored our boat up right across from Jongleurs, the comedy
club I’m going to be working. Since we’re in the land of Robin Hood, I half keep expecting us to see a
statue of Kevin Costner with bird shit covering it and speakers playing Bryan Adams “Ya know it's true…
Everything I do - I do it for you”.
Beer is cheap, but soda is expensive. The best thing is that the Spar Mart (little handy mart) sell
porn. It’s like a dream come true. Every time I walk in I hear a choir of angels as the magazine rack
lights up slowly pulling me toward it.
Looks like I’ll be coming back in June to do London, so I better pick up a map to look like an
official idiot American tourist. Cheers mate!
The sweetest day in the entire world! That’s right, it’s national “go buy some flowers or chocolate
for that slag you’re dating or get bounced out of her panties” day. I know, hard to fit it all on greeting
card. England’s colorful language is getting to me.
Ah ha! You thought I was lying, and SO did I. But here it be, available for download in the A/V
room. Enjoy, and when people tell you how great it is, don’t come crying to me.
P-to O-to the D-to the C-to the A-to the S-to the T. What’s that spell? LAZY LIER!
HELLO? Again, what don’t you understand here? PODCAST shit to do.*
*You guys so know I’m just fucking around in pajamas watching old SCTV shows, and wacking off. I
can’t fool you, you wonderful people.
What? Podcast shit to do, why are you looking?
Remember that podcast I promised you? I lied. Nawwwwwww, actually it’s almost done.
touches this week and you should have it before the 12th of Feb, just in time for Valentines Day.
Then you give the shitty gift that shouldn’t be given to a loved one.
Been slacking, podcast all weekend! I’ll have this out to you people before I leave to London.
I promise. Then again a promise from an Irishman, is like pennies made of gold, it’ll never freaking
We took Skylar out to hang with my sister, her dogs, and her son Michael. It was fun, I didn’t step
in dog shit, and didn’t eat yellow snow. Then again, maybe I shouldn’t close my eyes when eating it.
Good times, goooooooooooooood times.
Little Skylar has never seen snow, so sunny went down to FLA to bring her up here it see it. Wow, she
loved it. Then she realized, “It freaking cold”. No shit? We were up in the Dells and this huge water
park called the Kalahari Resort. It rocked, indoor water park with no one there, cause it was a Tuesday.
I couldn’t tell who was the kid, Skylar or me, then I looked at all the body hair, and my bad back and
knew it was her.
She liked it, we had a blast, and my swim suit never came off. Damn, I wanted to freak out the 4
people that WERE there. Next time, next time.
Birthday’s after 30 are like your friend offering you tickets to a Demolition Derby. You didn’t ask
to go, you might not even want to, but once you get there things are great.
Saw a rough cut of Eden Court today. Wow! Looks great. There is a fantastic film in there with great
acting, lots of laughs, and heart. This could be something brilliant.
Happy B-day to my oldest brother on MLK day! Crunk it up bitches, it’s tyme to run this harpy birf
day inta the grounds mutha fuckas!
Went to Zulevic’s funeral. Weird. Odd. Wrong. So many people were there with so much love this man
gave to them that it almost made the room burst. At the mass there was this little old priest who
was…well…creepy. Not “molestey guy” creepy, but more the “I think you are all comedian/actor heathens,
which makes no sense at all to me, so I’ll talk down to you” sort of way. Hell, I’m Catholic and he was
explaining everything I already knew, the ENTIRE mass. My friend Kate who I was sitting with leaned over
and said, “Crap, for all the non-catholic people who never come here, THIS is what they see? This is
putting our best foot forward to recruit people into our faith? No wonder we suck”
I went with two good friends I used to do sketch comedy with, Sandy, and Kate. Sandy is a man, so
don’t think I was trying to get laid at a friends funeral. Not that’d I put it passed me, just not
THIS time. Many people were there. Bob Odenkirk, Steve Dahl, Norm Holly, Tim Kazarinski, and my good
friend Molly Cavanaugh(who you can see in short film Distraction over in the A/V room).
The best part was after the funeral it started snowing. I’m not one for superstition, but it felt
pretty cool, knowing Jim was saying goodbye that way…or it was a cold front mixed with rain that made
it snow, but I’m sticking with the 1st one. We all went down to Second City to share and talk about Jim.
Comedy friend, fellow Sox fan, and great Chicago guy Jim Zulevic passed away early this morning. What a
shitty day, and fucked up feeling.
Bowl mania. Down in FLA with my family and they are a blast. Little Skylar is getting bigger and
isn’t amused so easily. She’s making work for my laughs now, and it’s getting too me. Love Doris, Omi,
and the who crew. Got to hang with extended family too. It’s like eating cheese you don’t like. It’s
still cheese, but it tastes funny.
Wishing you good luck in 2006! Never say Happy New Year. It’s too much pressure on YOU to provide
Wishing you a Merry Christmas bitches! Unless you sent me a gay x-mas card with one of those “update”
newsletters about how Jeffey is doing this, or Sally is doing that. If we’re not good enough friends
throughout the whole year for me to already know, I probably don’t care.
Flying back to Chicago today and digging it with a shovel. Can’t wait to get back home, get working
on the podcast, and getting ready for the holidays. I don’t celebrate X-mas, I celebrate “gifts for
John day”. It just sounds better.
I was torn. Very excited to go do the show, but the Bears were winning at home against the Falcons
and putting the hurt on Vic. Sunny and I went out and the place was great! It’s called the Ha Ha Café
in West Hollywood right next to the Paramount lot. The guy who runs it is awesome. He’s class all the
way thought the person who was MC’ing the show was cool.
Big crowd for a Sunday, but they were loud. It was this variety show format with singers, jugglers,
magic, etc. I went up second. I’m fast, rough, and bold. That’s like screwing with out foreplay. It’s
tough going. At one point in my set I had to go use a mic stand for a joke about skinny people in LA. I
could tell some people didn’t like the fact I was hammering on LA. I also hammer on Chicago, but I guess
they didn’t really care. This big fucker kept looking at me like he was going to rip my head off. I just
figured I could out run him if I really had too. He looked like he was only good for about a 1/2 a block.
All and all the show went well, and people liked it a lot. We drove back and on the way took our
lives in our own hands and stopped at Jack In The Box. Why? It was the ONLY place open. When it’s the
ONLY place open, that’s not a good sign. LA rocked!
Saw King Kong with sunny and Tiffany. King Kong, king sucked. It’s like when you have something that’s
simple so you throw more shit on top of it until it becomes something it’s not. Beds are good for that.
It’s supposed to be a place to sleep, but if you keep piling shit on top, now it’s shit collector. Too
much. Kong looked great, but at 3 hours plus, I got Kong ass from sitting. I laughed out loud at parts
that were supposed to be serious. Oh well, Kong suck. That my review.
Off to LAX! Not the airport, but this hip and she-she trendy bar in Hollywood. The music was
thumpin, my body was pumpin’, and fake jugs were jumpin’. Classic bullshity bar, but it was our friend
Isaac’s B-day bash so he knows it was a bullshity place too. Lots of fun, and all I remember is doing
shots of Patron Silver and spazing on the dance floor to The Human League’s “Fascination”. My favorite
part of the night was this quirky little guy who looked Nathan Lane-ish had a shirt on that said “Fuck
Hollywood”. I quickly put a sweater over my t-shirt that read “Huck Follywood”.
It’s the JcPenny audition thang today. It’s for some Valentine commercial where this jockish guy
reads this poem; “My heart is like a football, and to you alone I hike it, my heart is yours forever…as
long as you don’t SPIKE it.” I liked the writing, it sounds like it could be fun.
The highlight of the entire casting call was seeing actor Billy Jayne who I recognized from the film
Just One Of The Guys. He played the undersexed little brother Buddy. Shit, my day was already made!
In LA for bullshit auditions, a couple shows, and to hang with friends. Maybe I’ll get a
scrotum enlargement procedure, or pick up a cool eating disorder.
Richard Pryor died today. He was one of the greatest. We should feel honored he shared his
work with us. What? He was black?…………Really?…Huh……
**John begins slowly moving his head in an up and down motion taking in this information**
…you learn something new every day...
What the hell are you looking at? Me? Why?……….Oh, I’m shitting on the hood of your brand new
Ding ding ding! Let’s get ready to stumble. It’s fight night in Chicago, so it was off to the
fights at the Aragon to see my buddy Joe Havels next door neighbor Mike Nevitt go for the Illinois
State Light-Heavy weight title belt.
He was on fire. He was a man who saw what he wanted and nothing was going to stop him from getting
it…kind of like watching Michael Jackson at a boy’s swimsuit expo. He won and the crowd went nuts.
After his fight two Mexicans started beating the shit out of each other for an almost an hour. I was
going to break it up, when I realized they were on the card. Normally when my Mexican friends kick each
others ass that bad it’s for boinking their wife, or cutting the a long beer line during Cinco De Mayo.
My other friends Eric, Greg, and his lady Missy were all on hand too.
After the fight we headed out for a beer, then over to Mikes apartment for a celebration party. His
big golden belt was out on display and I mentioned I have a belt too. It’s from Old Navy and one pretty
sweet fucking number as well. Way to go Mike, what a great night!
Looks like I’ll be out in LA the week of the 12th for some commercial auditions, shows, and hanging
out with old friends. The commercial is for a JcPenny’s Valentines Day spot. I hope I get to make out
with some girl with facial hair, no neck, or perhaps an eye patch. Hot.
Today I discovered a new way to eat a turkey sandwich. Try eating it with one foot up on a bench
“John Wayne style” and you’d be shocked at how many more people passing by respect you and your dining
Happy Turkey Day fuckers! If you’re not getting fatter, you’re just not trying.
Sweet home Chicago! Back home, and I’m going to take the next couple days off to recharge. Then
it’s off to playgrounds all over the city in my wood paneled station wagon to skulk around for Chicago’s
sexiest lil’ kids.
Wanted to say goodbye to Brian, so it was back to Conan for a little bit before we wee catching this
meeting with Bev. Good times, Jerry Lewis was on the show, and Brain did this character where everything
is “tastic”. Crap-tastic, or Homo-tastic. You get the bit. He was great when Conan asked him “how’s the
show going to be tonight?”. Cut to Brian playing Sudoku startled saying, “oh, I’m sorry I wasn’t paying
attention”. Silly fun stuff!
Since it’s my last night in town and pretty damn exhausted, Pete and I wanted to lay low. With six
days straight of shows and meetings, it kind of drains your ass. That, and all those Roman style orgies
we filmed with the Shriners. You’d be surprised how long those old fuckers can party. I thought their cars
would run out of gas…oh no…they must a hybrid mini-car cause they’re like the damn energizer bunny. They
keep going, and going, and going…
Acid rainy shit. It this NYC or Seattle? Tonight’s show was at Gotham’s. It’s this really nice
looking fancy pants club. I’m used to shit holes where there’s blood on the ground from someone who was
shived by a rusty knife, hookers hanging out in front, and someone’s teeth still on the table. This place
was waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too nice. The manager for the show was Lorie Summers and couldn’t have been nicer.
Best show of the trip. One of the other comic’s moms came up to me after the show and hugged me saying,
“My god you’re funny. In fact, you’re way better than my son.” At this point, her son was standing right
next to us. Awkward…
Loved working that club. They mentioned they were going to ask me back which is surprising since I
stole all their silverware. It’s not what you think. I just needed to melt it down and make bullets to
kill my roommate. I’m working on this theory she’s a Werewolf.
The show at Comic Strip went off without a hitch. Great crowd of rowdy fun people who were ready to
laugh their ass’s off. I really dig the NYC crowds as opposed to LA, or FLA because they actually have a
pulse and aren’t just happy to be out for a night.
After the show we went up the street to Iggy’s, this great run down bar where the booze was flowing
and we kept things going. The bartender John made sure the Captain & Cokes were strong. Liver damage
possible…can’t type…it’s shutting down…donors wanted.
He’s tall, a red head, and graces the late night airwaves. Nope, not Conan O’Brien. Nope, not Carrot
Top. Nope not that murder from Phoenix who butchered that family of seven by wearing their entrails as
fake dreadlocks dancing in the mirror singing “I Feel Pretty” in a Rasta voice…it’s my friend Brian who’s
a writer and performer on the show. He asked Peter and I if we wanted to come up to the 6th floor, hang
out, and watch the show.
It was cool. People running around in costumes, stage hands ushering people in and out of the studio
for bits, and the sound of a show going on a room over. Brain waved to us from the other end of the hall
as was getting into costume for a bit they might to do last minute. Nothing like getting waved to by the
tall guy dressed as Alester Cook in NBA. I hadn’t seen him in over two years, since the CIF in 03 and he
looked taller. It must have been the ascot. We hung with some writers for the show in the green room.
There was Andy, Jose, and this girl who’s name I didn’t catch…mostly because she didn’t throw it. Maybe
she has a bad back.
Best story of the night was hanging out in the hallway after Sarah Silverman went on, and Andy looked
at me, then did one of those hand behind the ear snap throws with a penny. It nailed me in the leg and I
said, “you son of a bitch, you’re going down”. Picked it up, and threw it right back at him. He moved
and it went flying toward these people standing near the studio entrance. It hit the wall coming to rest
at the feet of this gray haired guy. He must of felt it hit his shoe, because he checked around to see
if anyone was looking, bent down and picked it up. The fucking guy stole a penny. He stole Andy’s penny.
Insane. In a world where you could take a penny leave a penny, fucko stole one. Great time, thanks Brian!
NYC!!!! I just got picked up in a cush black Lincoln town car, and I’m not a drug dealer, oil barren,
or (insert talent-less actor here). I felt a little out of place, but it was so cool. In fact, my driver
could barely speak English and the Dial 7 car service said “look for the Asian guy, his name is Wang”.
When he came I said, “Thanks for coming so quickly Wang”. To which he turned and shot back, “Mi naaan iz
Paul”. I felt bad, said “sorry for the confusion”, and offered him a stick of warm gum from my pocket. He
refused. I spent the next 15 minutes calling friends, leaving messages by telling them I was in a town
car with my driver “Paul” to which I’d ask Paul to “hi”, and he did. He was a great guy for playing along.
Got into downtown Manhattan to hook with my booking manager Peter Lee. That’s a fancy term for friend.
Pete works down in the garment/fashion district right across from Macy’s, or Ass-cy’s as we call it in
Chicago. Aside from being my club booking manager Pete has a day job with a television station, because
the money off my bookings wouldn’t even pay for the electricity to use his toaster. Met all of Pete’s
co-workers and they were very nice in that New York “fuck off I’m busy” sort of way. We saddled up,
grabbed a cab in rush hour and off to the club. It was a rainy night, but the city was alive.
I must have looked like a super mega flaming flight attendant with my wheelie luggage and wet hair
walking in. The Comedy Cellar is small and tight. Solid club, one of NYC’s finest for stand-up and all
the people were kick ass. The show went well. Wasn’t my best set, but tried getting into the groove
with the city and still kind of lagging from the trip. We went out for a couple cocktails afterwards
at this place right near Pete’s house called Ship Of Fools around 83rd and Lexington. I didn’t get
raped, and still had my wallet so it was a great first day.
Gearing up for NYC trip. There’s nothing like a New York crowd. They’re sharp, smart, and love
social satire type comedy. Loaded with an arsenal of new material™, my Ipod™, and Tron™ undies, I’m
ready. It should be fun, going to a great town, with fun people, and bootlegged copies of Saw II from
junkies on Canal Street.
Eye exam today! Wow, can things get any clearer? I bet you any amount of money, eye doctors have
sex with their partners constantly asking, “Better one, or two…one, or two…one…or two”
Talked with Jim at Q101 and they want to play “Jennifer’s Song”. He’ll let me
know when so I can let all you guys know. Had a conference call with Beverly Boner
today and Pete about working together on some shows. Who’s Bev Bonner you ask? Well,
she was a star of a cult classic flick many of you never saw called Basket Case in
1982. She was also in Basket Case II, Basket Case III, and my personal favorite,
1990’s Frankenhooker. That little gem is a MUST see, so curl up some night with
friends, drink your face off, then enjoy the magic.
She was nice on the phone, knows the industry well, and sounded extremely
professional, so we might work together on a few projects. When I’m in NYC doing
shows, we’ll hook up and see if something clicks. Updates has they happen my little
monkeys. Now get back to work before you boss belittles you…if you ARE the boss,
get up and go belittle someone. It’s in your damn job description.
Out of town family Doris and Skylar, in town now! Sounds odd…check back next week.
Happy Halloween! Pants are optional.
Best parade EVER! Never have seen anything like that in all of Chicago sports.
Nothing! Not for the 85 Bears, not any of the Bulls championships. I think I even
had sex one or twice and didn’t notice…that how great it was.
Want to see a grown man cry? Come over to my house. The Chicago White Sox are
the World Champions. Say what? Now say it WITH me. The Chicago White Sox are the
2005 World Champions! Beat them 1-0, which is the EXACT score from opening day that
Joe Havel and I saw. Someone shoot me now, it’ll never get better than this.
14 innings, can’t speak. Sunny and I went out that day to get Sox World Series
gear. Then on to Durkins to met our friends Joe & Eric. They had this special for
the game that was $20 all you eat and drink from the first pitch to the last out.
Durkin’s picked the wrong damn game to do that little deal…bad for them, great for
us! Sox win 7-6. I just printed out my 9/28/05 post and ate the paper…gladly, Geoff
Mah ha! A grand slam, and it got better. Sox 7-Houston 6. Pods walk off dinger.
The kids a god.
Joe Crede. Now say it with me, J-O-E…C-R-E-D-E. It’s that landing patch of hair
on his chin he calls a baby beard. I don’t give one shit as long as they ball flies
out. Way to go, Sox win 5-3.
Just got off the blower with Petey Whiteshoe’s, he’s my club manager. We just
booked my NYC trip to clubs. I’ll be at The Comedy Cellar, Comic Strip Live, and
Gotham’s. So if you have friends in NYC that you don’t want to be your friends any
more, tell them about the shows. Look at SHOWS for more crap like time, place, and
required shoe size to attend.
If you look up, you’ll notice today is the 18th. Ohhhhhhhhhhh, pretty damn cool huh?
Got the call from WLUP. What a sweet and sour day. Great the Sox won, but bad
because I didn’t get hired to the new Johnny B team. Tim said, on Johnny B’s
request, he would take less money but needed to hire the entire LA team in tact.
Still sucks and was counting on helping change morning radio around here. Still
will contribute from time to time, but not the same. Shit balls, just sucks hard,
but gotta keep on chugging along.
A Bear win and the White Sox are in the World Series? I quickly bathed in
gasoline in anticipation of the rapture. When the four horseman of the apocalypse
come with flaming swords, I want to go up quick.
I can’t think straight. Is this real? Maybe I just drank too much, that would
explain my pants at my ankles, face down on my coffee table, while my jacket was
left back at MeGee’s. The Chicago White Sox are the ALCS champs! They won 6-3 and
I expect to wake up sometime tomorrow afternoon finding out is was all a dream,
and looking for my keys.
Sox win! Holy Konerko redux batman. My head is about to implode. After 46 years
we’re one win away from the show. Keep the faith my kiddies, and buckle up Chicago.
When they go, Chicago will never be the same. By that I mean sports wise, we’ll
still be politically corrupt, have creepy mob ties, and allow the dead to vote
I’m in Boca Raton FLA tonight! Spending some excellent time with family. Doris
Olson, Omi, and little Skylar. She’s sunnys, brother’s daughter. Since her brother
died a year ago this November, she needs extra love and is a sweet little button
who’s worth it all.
Paul Konerko is a god! He slaps balls harder than the Spin float at the Chicago
gay pride parade. Don’t have a show at the Improv in West Palm Beach so we’re all
glued to the TV watching. Little Skylar has her pink Sox hat and shirt on, eating
peanuts in the shell, cheering and yelling. Sox win, Sox win, Sox win! No bad calls,
just a good ol’ fashioned ass whuppin!
To the umpires from tonight, I say this, “I love you, I thank you, and if you
ever need a man to dress up like a lady of affluence while pretending to play the
harpsichord with her tongue, I’m your guy!”
Bad call or not, the umpires didn’t steal second. Ozuna did. The umpires didn’t
nail the game-winning hit. Crede did. Bitch all you want LA, say your rally monkey
was spanked, say the umps stole it from you, or say AJ is really Satan while you’re
all angles. Say whatever you like, it’s still 1-1…on to LA.
We lost! Sox loose, sox loose, sox loose. To that I say, no worries. They
played like shit, and STILL were only one run down and in it till the end. Bounce
back baby, it’s go time, and Chicago’s ready.
Beat the Red Sox? Are you shitting me? God, is this some cruel joke you’re
playing on us White Sox fans? Will the world end tomorrow? If the answer is Yes to
any of those I say Big, Fucking, Deal.
**John pantomimes a big globe, then humping air, then dealing cards**
To beat Boston in Boston is beyond words. This is the greatest October of my
life…and that includes the one where I was the Greatest American Hero for Halloween,
had more candy than humans should be allowed to eat, and made out with Mary Arliskes.
Now it’s waiting time…either the Yanks or Angles!
Talked with Pauly and it looks like he got Eden Court out in time to Sundance
which is a huge accomplishment in it self! Way to go Paul. So now everyone cross
your fingers, toes, ears, and eye balls…but not legs…never legs.
Say it with me now…Sweep! Yep, broom time, in prime time for those Indians.
Much love out to those amazing Indians. If we go anywhere in the post season, we
owe them a huge thanks for the awesome ball they played pushing us to play better.
If not for them, we wouldn’t be as sharp. Bring on the Yanks or Boston.
All is right in Soxland today. They played a kick ass game last night & the
Indians lost which means the magic number is down to –4357…wait…that’s wrong.
Two, the magic number is now 2 and Chicago is ready for anything. Yeee-freaking-ho!
Geoff Blum is a huge turd! Yeah, you heard right. White Sox player Geoff Blum
is one monster brown log that just won’t fit down the porcelain throne. Please tell
me we could have done better cause the Sox are slowing killing me softly with their
Wade is great people. We’ll see how things go, but he is very interested in me
and so might their TV/Film department. They are all just solid people from what I
could tell. Who knows, I should be hearing from him in a couple weeks to see about
meeting with the people from TV/Film and go from there. Eh, so many places so I’m
making myself one mutha Peanut Butter and jelly sandwich for lunch…
Working away on the postcast that should be coming out in January 2006. Editing
is such a bitch; not wife with a rolling pin bitch, but hard bitch. I have a new song
that’s going to appear in it and wanted to share with all you sweet bastard people.
Here are the lyrics, and I’ll have it up here soon. Rock on and enjoy:
Sitting in my car at the Jewel parking lot, sunk behind my dash
As people pass by, I hit the floor quickly pretending to look for lost cash
And then you came out walking, to your car as I wondered just what you’d do…
IF you ever found out I was Stalking YOU, IF you ever found out I was stalking you
It’s 1:37am, and I saw some headlights, a car pulled right up to your place
A handsome guy got out to open your door, I wanta take a brick and cave in his face
I’m getting a nasty rash from your bushes and have dog shit on each shoe
And IT’S all because I love staking YOU, and IT’S all because I love stalking you,
honestly I feel like some secret agent guy when I’m stalking you
Now the cops are here and our love must end, well it’s been quiet a swell ride
There was no move you could make or piss you could take with my binoculars there’s
nowhere to hide
And now you’ll file some paper work, maybe a restarting order or two
But I’ll never forget my days of stalking YOU, I’LL never forget my days stalking you,
my memory’s not so good I might forget stalking you, I’ll bet my cell mate might push in
my stool ewwww…I might have a serious mental problem
Meeting with Stewart Talent today for a possible new Chicago agent. They came recommended
to me from this kick ass girl named Susan Kohler. She is this spicy little momma who I’ve
worked with on other projects and photo shoots. Wade is the person I met with and is such a
great guy. He was so busy I thought his head was going to explode. But no, it didn’t which
is cool cause I don’t know if you’ve been around someone when that happens…it’s just a pain
to clean it off and I was wearing a white shirt. Wade felt bad about how busy he was so we
rescheduled for the following Wednesday.
Hummmmmmmmmm, what am I forgetting? *taps chin and looks in the air* What happened
around this time a few years back? Four, I think? Was it when stamps were still only 34
cents? Nope, was it when people didn’t have to turn on the nightly news on Fox to hear
about how we’re supposed to be afraid of everything? Na. Oh yeah, I remember, it’s the
reason we all wear those little flag pins, because we hate towel heads and brown people.
Sorry, my bad, I had a lot of x-rays done on my face and I forget things sometimes. What
was I just typing about?
Stupid White Sox! Giving me false hope like that girl named Lindsay at Burton Place
at 3:30am. Damn you and your 12-15 August. It’s like that dickhead high school Chemistry
teacher when handing out test results. “You’ll all be pleasantly surprised…………….at how
LOW all your scores are”. Come on Sox, don’t piss down your leg again, it’s hurts so much.
Who’s the dumb ass in the blue biohazard suit? I think the actual suit was from
the film Out Break, it smelled short & Jewey…AKA Dustin Hoffmanish
Night shoot! Got your attention? Good. Got to the set around ten till five and
checking in with Lynn and Jennifer. Great ladies who help run the show, and make
sure everyone is where they are supposed to be, wearing what they are supposed to
wear, when they’re needed. The whole cast and crew is all from Chicago, which rocks
because there’s no attitude, everyone works their butts off, and there is this
excellent family vibe.
I was in make-up by 5:15 and ready to go over to the set at 5:30. For West I have
this green shirt, which is Sonja that reads “Mistake Were Made”. It’s kind of funny,
but I had another one that read “Fuck Milk, Got Pot?” that I got in NYC four years
ago. Since this IS a PG-13 movie, and it’s Paul’s first, no F-word, which is more
than cool. Jennifer comes over in her Toro cart, and it’s off to the set, which
happens to be the Schaumburg Fliers locker room.
It’s so surreal. I get out and see Pauly, and Pete Baigi, the director of
Photography so I go say hi to them. Pete is awesome. He’s Irish catholic from a big
family and now has his own big family so we hit it off right away. He’s funny guy,
very cool to work with, and knows his shit inside and out. You might have seen him
on Project Greenlight, and get this, he even left Oscar winning director Robert
Altman’s current film to come do Paul’s. That speaks volumes of amazing class and
independent spirit of Pete.
The scene was a blast. Tom is just flat out funny, and great. He does more emoting
with his face from his forehead to his chin than any other comic actor I’ve seen, so
I learned a lot. It was fun and such a pleasure to share. Christian’s just flat out
funny and comes from a stand-up background. He just seemed like such a great guy from
NYC who works hard and likes to laugh. The two other contestants with me were
Danielle, and Greg who were awesome. We wrapped my second scene around midnight and
I couldn’t have had more fun, with such really great people. I’m making a predication
now; this film is going to be very good. Don’t know if it’ll be big. I just know Paul
and it will be kick ass. It has this silly, subtle style all it’s own and the vibe of
everyone involved was selfless and real endearing.
Side note-they needed an extra baseball player for a shot after I was wrapped and
I said “anything to help out Pauly”, so I suited up. I am one of the ball players
leaning on the rail during the hotdog race. Look for number 34. Well, gotta go, has
anyone seen Ming Ming?
Ever been to the set of a real motion picture? Me nether! That’s why I’m going to
do my best to tell you all about it. It’s fucking wild. They have people with tool
belts running around, big white trucks filled with movie equipment, and a huge set
of make-up/wardrobe/actors trailers off to the side. Oh yeah, did I mention ALL the
hookers, Caviar, and crazy coke parties you want? Only thing is, for the coke parties,
you have to snort it of the ass of 10 year-old Asian boy wearing only a loin-cloth
named Ming Ming who speaks broken English; sorry SAG rules. Sad part is he starts to
get tired after four hours or so…but WE don’t!
Actually it really is something amazing. My call time was 2:00pm, but got moved up
due to rain. It didn’t rain, but I arrived around 12:00. Paul looked like he was born
to direct complete with the “old timey” megaphone, crazy pants with the hips that bow
out, knee high brown boot, and little brown barrette. He flat out had his shit
ready, was buttoned up, and things while I was there went off without a hitch. In
fact, his dad, Tom Leuer is in the movie as one of the baseball coaches so look for
They gave me a trailer with West’s name on it. I had to share it, which was more
than fine with me considering I’m used to changing in a Port-O-Potty or an old Country
Squire station wagon. The great part was that it was with an old friend I used to do
sketch comedy with. Not only was it crazy to have a trailer with a working crapper,
but it was fun catching up with an old friend. Turns out we are in a scene together
too. I went to make-up and have to say that the make-up girl was the shit. Her shit
was tomato’s, t-o-m-a-t-o-s. Go ahead try it, it works on almost any fruit or
vegetable, except for beets, nothing ever works with beets.
After make up, got called to the set and watched, as they were finishing up some
other scenes. On a set all you do is hurry up to wait. It’s like driving downtown.
Quick, step on the gas and hurry to get to that red light, to wait. Water, I drank
lots of water. Things started to wrap up around 7:00ish for the stripper scene with
Tom and Christian, so we were going to bump my two scenes until tomorrow for the
night shoot from 5:00pm to 5:00am. No worries, everyone was awesome, and water was
free. It was crazy fun, and a slice of heaven. Till Tomorrow…
Reading my lines this weekend to get ready for Eden Court. Should four
lines of one-word responses be this hard? They are for Dolph Lundgren, and
we all know he’s a film legend so I don’t feel so bad.
Wow! My best friend Paul is moving forward with his first major motion picture
project called Eden Court. He’s slated to direct it and it shoots here in Chicago
for the next month which should kick the ass off a donkey. The film has Tom Lennon
from "Reno 911" and Kimberly Williams from "Father of the Bride" and Stephnie Weir
from Mad-TV. Paul asked me to play West Fitzwell, a college kid who has to give up
his foam hot dog costume to help Tom Lennon’s character win an airplane ticket. Wait,
should I have said **Spoiler** first? No, because you still don’t know what I’m
talking about and neither do I? Cool-e-o. Right now the shooting dates for me are
August 10th, and 11th. Paul is not only my best friend, he’s just flat out good
people and he’s going to kick some serious ass with this so stay tuned. Updates as
they come in…
Just wrapped up a photo session with these two awesome photographers named John
and Andree McAuther from McArthur Photography (
www.mcarthurphotography.com) for the Tribune. The shot is of me in a Biohazard
suit standing with a glass of lemonade and watering the lawn. I have another shot sitting
with lemonade and holding a tiny dog. It was fucking hot as hell in that suit. I
almost passed out, cause as I came to find very quickly; rubber suits a no a breathe
very good. Afterwards I wrung out my t-shirt and sweat poured out like a faucet.
Great time, John and Andree was awesome, and their daughter was this sweet little
artistic girl. Very cool people! Guess the photo will be out in the August 21st
Sunday edition of the Chicago Tribune on the front page of the Tribune Magazine
insert, so look for it and tell everyone “I know that assbag in that Bio-hazard suit.
Shithead almost died while shooting it”.
Independence day. Still have all my fingers!
Wanted to give a huge shout out to all the troops stationed with my brother
in Iraq-A-stan! Keep on kicking the ass off a donkey, and always have the “safety”
off. Shit, sorry for not updating in a while. Been a slacker and a whore, but not
necessarily in that order. It’s really more of being both so you could call me a
“Slore”. Going to do my best to bring all you wonderful bastard people up on all
that’s been happing with CC, shows, and some new shit as well. So buckle up, have a
scotch, and bag of Funjuns near by. It could be, well, fun…
Guess Chappelle finally met with them over there, but nothing was said to us about
future projects we have in the pitch pipeline. Have no idea what’s going on there or
what they are thinking about. Joel is calling them, but haven’ talked in while with
him cause I’ve been traveling. We’re kind of in this sort of pitch limbo with them,
where they haven’t passed on the pitches yet, but have no real time line of when they
will give us a yes or no. For now, looks like we’ll be hooking up with FOX soon to
talk to them again about new stuff. So it time to keep on trucking, and never trust
Tim from WLUP sent me an e-mail about helping them with the open morning slot:
“I think the best role for you would be as a cast member to surround the host(s) based on what I've
gained thusfar. Once we have identified who the hosts might be, we will have an idea of who we might
need and the budget we'll have to work with. Sit tight and I'll let you know once we get to that
I love different font. It gets me hot. Not sock on the cock hot, but excited hot. We’ll see how this
all shakes out. If I’m still in town and can help out in any way, would be honored. With other project
coming up, who knows. You just keep on trucking and if it works out, cool, if not, something always pops
up to take it’s place.
They found him, but things are over for his show coming out on time, which means not
much in the way of new stuff with them till they clear up this huge mess. He’s their main
guy, and things kind of seem in chaos over there. Things might never clear up with them
and Dave, my outside guess would be that most development is on hold.
Between shows and putting together a demo for the program director at the WLUP/ 97.9
for helping out with their morning slot have enough shit going on, so I’m not waiting around.
Chappelle’s gone! He just kind of left. They don’t know what’s going on, but it seems
to be their main focus, like it should be so talks are on hold till they find out what’s
happening with him. It’s like a fucking line at the DMV, just waiting.
My manger Joel just moved from management companies Power to PP&Y. This might throw kind
of monkey wrench into the talks right now as I’ve never gone through this and don’t know what
all that means legally. He’s been super busy with the move so he hasn’t talked to CC and I
haven’t really talked to him in a couple days.
We’re still in kind of a holding pattern. They seem very pre-occupied with other stuff on
their schedule that’s up in the air, but still have interest. Joel is calling them to discuss
all the specifics and see if we’re moving forward at all. No news is good news, but it’s all
pretty much bullshit.
Talked with Joel today and he hasn’t spoken with CC yet.
Said he’ll be contacting the director of development to
get feedback on the two pitches from a month ago.
Far as I know, this does three things. One, find out how far
along the pitches have been worked through CC management, two,
if they still like them as much as they did in the meeting, and
then craft a development deal for both shows. Since this is the
first pitch I give that a network really liked, I don’t
exactly know what the next steps are, or how long they take. That
makes it the nerve racking, yet exciting thing to go through.
Each day you wonder, “Will I be in a bungalow in one month
creating this raw, funny, original idea”, or “get
a phone call saying, Thanks, but no thanks”. Time to just
wait and see.
No real comedy news today. However, you will get a special St
Pattys day column here since I’m Irish and that means today
is a big deal for me.
It’s St. Patty’s Day in A-Town(Aurora, IL.) with
my brother Jay and his wife Heidi! Wow, NCAA basketball, Major
League Steroid trials, and a monster helping of Jewel’s
Taco Dip with Scoop chips. It doesn’t get much better than
that unless it rotating hand jobs from the ghost of Marylyn Monroe,
Supreme Court justice Sandra Day O’Connor, and the girl
at the end of those Burger King Tender-crisp Bacon Cheddar Ranch
The highlight was eating diner with my parents, Evelyn, and Jay
at this Irish pub we’ve been going to for over 15 years
called Pat’s Pub in West Plaza. Oh yeah, corned beef and
cabbage as far as the eye can see, with green beer to wash that
crap down. As usual, I had bread and Ranch dressing.
After diner, Heidi had to bag cause she had an early sign-in,
she’s a flight attendant, not “Slutty waitress in
the sky” as I incorrectly pointed out on flight 1776 to
LA. So it was on to this bar to watch the flying Illini take on
Farleigh Dickenson. What I didn’t realize was that is was
also Karaoke night. That’s right; while trying to watch
Illinois play I had to contend with some guy butchering George
Michael’s “Careless Whisper”. Do you have any
idea what it’s like to watch Dee Brown slashing down the
lane while your ears are bleeding to “I’m never gonna
dace again, guilty feet have got no rhythm…I’m never
gonna dace gain, the way I danced with YOU…”? All
I can say is thank god for Captain Morgan.
Meet some of the people who work with my brother, they was Andy,
JB, Jodi, and these other two guys who were great. All I remember
was ending the night by talking with JB, and some other new friends
about the possible problems of ordering Taco Bell while drunk,
if you were in Knight Rider’s car Kit. Great St. Patty’s
Fox guy called. The phone rings “Hello, I have ****** on
the line for you, hold please”. He comes on and we chat
about the pitches. Was cool, because he mentioned he liked the
shows a lot, but they already had money tided up in sketch with
the Grammar project, but if the show took off, they’d look
at others, mine included. The other idea was deemed too broad
for FOX audience, since Arrested Development might be cancelled
after winning two Emmy’s, they wouldn’t pick up a
similar style show. He seems to genuinely like me though asking
me to send him my stand-up stuff, and to keep in touch with him
at least once a month. Seems like a great place to do a vanilla
comedy show when all I want is a paycheck and not really care
about the content.
Later that afternoon, my friend Ike called and mentioned that
he’s wrapping up his second season on Mad and is damn happy
to have a little free time to swing out to Amsterdam. That’d
be the life, wing out to Holland whenever you want. We talked
over the CC pitches and mentioned I wanted him to look though
the character pitch sheets I sent him to see if anybody jumped
out at him that he’d like to play. Had an Irish dealer with
a hair trigger temper, or a doped out spacey security guard he’d
be perfect for, but we’ll see what he likes first. It always
so great talking to Ike cause LA can be so bullshity, but he never
is which makes me believe you can still do solid comedy work out
there, take their money, then come home here to recharge. It would
be a blast to just jam out with old friends, make new ones, and
try to create something very new, raw, and hilarious to me. Who
knows, so just like the Teen Wolf song, “you gotta go with
the flow Joe”.
Talked with my good friend Emo over e-mail today. He’s
a legendary stand-up comic and even better person. He wanted me
to come out and do some time when he’s at Zanies in Chicago,
and Vernon Hills. We did such a great one together in January
2004 at Zanies in Vernon Hills and he told me “John, when
you get your sit-com, I’d to play your strange neighbor”.
A little know fact about Emo is that he was an executive producer
for the original Meet The Parents in 1992 which DreamWorks eventually
bought, recast, and shot again with Stiller and DeNiro. He played
the Store Clerk in the 92 version and look for Emo who has a cameo
in the 2000 one. It’s always special seeing again, and working
with him. He kind of recharges my love of comedy.
Meet with FOX today. Wow, how intimidating. I walk in and the
lot was fucking HUGE! It’s kind of crazy around there. It’s
just like the movies you see with the wardrobe racks passing,
lots of noise, and people already in costumes. The coolest thing
was seeing a massive mural of Darth and Luke fighting, and right
across was an entire wall covered in Simpson’s characters.
Was great seeing Jeremy again. He is honestly one of those no
bullshit guys who just loves raw funny comedy, Bruce Springsteen,
and making groundbreaking shows. We talked for about an hour and
he took notes. Half way through the pitches, I noticed a newly
printed American Dad poster starring me down, and had to comment,
cause it was getting intimating like the Dad in poster started
moving his lips at me saying “AND, remember kid, we’re
already on the air, which means you gots a loooooooooooong way
to go”. After the meeting Jeremy said he’d get back
to me in a couple weeks cause they just picked up some sketch
show from Kelsey Grammer THAT night and would be busy getting
ready for it’s premire. On my way out, he had this awesome
woman, (can’t remember her name, but she is the assistant
to the head of Fox) bring me passed the Emmy for Arrested Development,
which was way bigger than I ever thought.
The odd part for me was that it’s right next to an Emmy
for Alley McBeal. I thought, that’s kind of like having
Hilary Swanks Oscar for Best Actress sitting right next to Teri
Weigel’s AVN golden pussy statue for Best Anal Themed Actress.
It was a dream come true for a comic and writer to even be there
in the first place, but with TV sucking harder than CBS Spring
break Shark Attack, or a porn star with no gag reflex, they need
fresh, new funny people with original ideas. What’s with
me and porn? After a successful meeting with Fox, what does a
comic take back to hotel? You guess it, a bus. Keep you fingers
crossed, but this meeting seemed more to keep the Fox in the loop
of stuff I’m working on, as he appeared glad in talking
to me, just not overly interested in either pitch.
My pitch meeting with Comedy Central is today. Flew out of Midway
today and landed in LA. My cab driver was very cool; he ended
up telling me “you should write a book about comedy”.
If I ever do, I’m putting “Thanks to the cabbie from
LA who told me to” on the flap of the book jacket. Got to
the Motel 8 right on Sunset and Vine near the old Pussy Kat XXX
theatre. It was torn down, so I stood there quietly and shed a
This meeting has got me as nervous as a cute sleepy kid staying
in Michael Jackson bedroom. I walked into CC a little late and
there was my manger hanging out talking to everybody like he runs
the damn place. I just sat quietly was watched The Great Outdoors
on the TV in the lobby. We were lead into a big glass conference
room and meet with three awesome people. One man, and two women.
The pitch went off with out a hitch. We meet for almost 45 minutes
and they loved both of the show ideas a lot. They wanted time
to talk to a number of people at the network to flesh out the
ideas and then they would get back to us. When one of the women
shook my hand she said, “it’s been an honor meeting
you”. Shit, that was not only humbling, it made me melt
a little inside. I completely like the vibe at CC, they understand
the comedy process, like to take creative risks, and thrive on
new programming. In simple terms, they get it. If there ever was
a perfect home for my style of comedy this might be it. On my
way out, in walks this skinny black guy in sweats…that’s
right, it was Dave Chapelle, I nearly crapped my trunks. It was
very surreal. Who know with the world of television so we’ll
see what happens, but after today, I’m going to celebrate