Michael Jackson turns the big 5-0! (Michael shows the exact sized sphincter he prefers) It’s nice to finally know we have a proud member of the AARP who still has the stamina to fuck children. For the big event he decided to lay low by playing with his candles and blowing all his kids! McCain […]

This is Mittens. She’s my new kitten… (Mittens likes dropping tummy-to-ass treats on my pillow) The reason I named her Mittens is because Fuck Train Facelift wouldn’t fit on the adoption form… Believe me, I tried…

Mr. Hand: “You’re absolutely right Mr. Spicoli, it is our time!” (Having some food, learning about Cuba) After watching most of the Democratic National Convention coverage last night, I was left with this really strange feeling. Something I haven’t felt in a long time. It was pride… I instantly thought something was seriously wrong with […]

She was like Shawn Johnson on the balance beam, like crown molding, and like her husband Bill with anything in a skirt…she nailed it! (She pees on the podium to mark her territory) Here’s stuff we know. She’s fake. She’s a politician. Like almost all politicians, her eyes should be brown because she’s so full […]

Nothing says “heart attack” like two 4oz. beef patties, two slices of cheese, 6 strips of bacon, mayo and ketchup… (It takes four days to walk around on foot) I’m talking about The Baconator from Wendy’s! It’s so bad for you, they actually serve it with defibulator pads and a cardiologist. One sniff of the […]

Kicked your boss in the face? I can see it now… You stayed up all night working on the big new pitch/proposal/idea. You’ve worked damn hard, it looks great, and you’re ready to rock. The meeting starts, everything is going great, when two slides are way out of order. You’re confused, but quickly ask if […]

Blame Guitar Hero III! The world is falling apart, and instead of Nero fiddling…everyone’s collectively decided to play Rock Band, Rock Band 2, the upcoming GH World Tour, or GH III… (My Guitar Hero III instructor 6 year-old Matthew Dicklips) My licks are sick, my chords are wammied, & nobody “hammer ons” or does “pull […]

Called me the other night…asking for me to donate money to his campaign… (Obama shows the crowd how high he can lift a baby over his head) I told him, “I already did”. Then he said, “John, I believe in you. Together we will accomplish great things for this country. We will change things. We […]

Big ones… Small ones… Silly ones… Tall ones… One things fo sho, they be everywhere nowadays. I wondered, “What’s up with all these fucking mustaches lately?”. I honestly did aloud last night at checkout counter #3 of the downtown Walgreen’s. A woman covered her kids ears when I said it. I didn’t have the heart […]

Anyone can direct a movie…a kid, a blind drunk robot, or even a squirrel with AIDS… (Actress Keke Palmer decides to slyly lift Ice Cubes wallet) Ice Cube and the little girl from Akeelah and the Bee, Keke Palmer star in a new movie called The Longshots. Anyone care to guess who’s directing? No seriously, […]