watching the inauguration today at 11:56am EST, 10:56am CST? (Recognize anyone?) Seeing Dick Cheney in a wheelchair. For true. He pulled his back muscle while moving boxes, and will be in a wheel chair for the inauguration today. It’s hard moving bodies in boxes. It’s easier moving boxes of porn. Trust me, I know… How […]

You know, if his name was Martin Ignatius Luther King we’d be celebrating MILK day… (So that happened) People should get off today AND tomorrow. After all, isn’t tomorrow because of today? We’ll call it two for Tuesday. Besides, with FaceBook, YouTube, and Jewel Quest it’s not like people really work anyway on regular days […]

What’s furry, has bad breathe, annoys adults, and mainly does fart jokes? You guessed it…Hotel For Dogs The Movie (Sell ’em to a Chinese restaurant) I’d bet my left flesh nugget there will be cooing and “awwwwwww”‘s with the introduction of each animal and all the whacky mischief they get into… If dogs could talk, […]

In Chicago, the sun must be broken… (Truth hurts) I was out last night running errands and stopped thinking in mid-sentence. It froze my synaptic firing. It’s so cold, I even saw homeless people getting jobs. It’s so cold, my nuts shoot out of my pant leg. It’s not pretty when grown men have tears […]

Or are you just happy to see me? (With two flags he’s twice as presidenty) House Democrats on Thursday called for $825 billion in federal spending and tax cuts to revive the moribund economy, with strong emphasis on energy, education, health care and jobs-producing highway construction… They also wanted to inject money into many American’s […]

A giant shoe of a 53ft women crushed a group of grooms men at a local wedding… (She could’ve worn cleats) The foot belonged to Janet Shrug of Jetson Park, Maryland who decided to get a spray tan before the wedding of good friend Jenny Flaggle. When in the booth, a freak wiring accident occurred […]

Professional Scientist people from Minnesota have concluded that babies are going back to their instinctual ways of hunting adults. Please be on the lookout, keep your head on a swivel, and stay away from woodland adult blinds… (Jacob readies to pounce on an Ohio couple) After being treated as weak and helpless for centuries, babies […]

On January 20th, 2009 our 44th president Barrack Obama will be sworn in, ushering a universal hope for a new kind of America based on truth, freedom, equality, and transparency… But screw that trivial shit when when we got his rookie trading card… (Love the fro) The statics on back were interesting. For example he […]

The Garbage Pail Kids Movie… (Holy toxic trash cans) It’s never good when you have to add the word “movie” to a title meaning it’s either a product, toy line, or TV show. With the exception of The Simpon’s or South Park, “movie” means this is going to suck harder than a seven year old […]

Ding dong the douche is dead… (“To my right, my lovely wife Patti is for sale”) Rod Bladork-a-vitch has been impeached by the Illinois House for the 1st time ever in Illinois history. Shit balls people. Knowing our history of corruption, that’s freaking hard to do. Legislators accused the Democratic governor of letting ego and […]