It’s your Birthday! You’re 69 years young oh great golden mustached warrior…

(He bleeds lead, white, & blue)

In your honor, all other birthdays are now obsolete. Even if you were born today, you can only celebrate Chuck Norris’s birthday. You can’t celebrate your own…

(This toy actually plays with you)

Chuck’s beard can kill 377 men in one minute. His jeans fit so perfectly they’re an element on the periodic table. God insists he’s just keeping Chucks seat warm…

(Chuck Norris toilet paper)

Anyone making a “69” joke at his expense today will be publicly executed…

It’s the law…

1st Date Deal-breakers

Nervous about what to do on that big first date?

Don’t worry because our dating experts Rita Mauceri and Elycia Rubin can help…

(We know men)

Since they know everything that could possibly go wrong in the history of forever, they came up with a list to help you floundering idiots. Here you go!

Don’t Shake Their Face – Don’t grab both sides of their head and shake when you meet them. It’s awkward, and they don’t know where your hands have been…

Texting Out-loud – At dinner, don’t announce what you’re texting. No one wants to hear: HLP! THS DATES A FARTFACE & I WNT TO LEAVE. It’s a tad rude

Drawing On People – A big no no is drawing things on your date in permanent marker. Things like a watch on their wrist, fake scars, or your license plate number

Shitting Yourself – Crapping your pants is a bad thing. It shows you have no control

Your Chariot Awaits – Don’t pick them up with your bicycle and an extra helmet. And don’t compound it by saying, “It’s because I’m on my 3rd DUI…”

Did we mention Rita and Elycia are amazingly STILL single? I know, who knew?

If anyone’s interested, Elycia’s on J-Date.com…

Have a day!