You’ve all heard of the 6-year-old boy who was thought to be in a helium balloon that floated away yesterday. It was found, without him inside, and they showed footage of a box falling. People assumed the boy either fell, or jumped out.

They scoured the entire area path of the balloon…

(A giants “used” condom? Ewwww)

Only to find out…the kid was hiding in the garage rafters then entire fucking time…

The confusion over whether the boy was in the balloon arose as the family tinkered with the craft and his father scolded him for getting inside a compartment. Falcon’s brother said he saw him inside the compartment which is why they mistakenly thought he was aboard the balloon when it launched.

(“Thank god we found you…at home”)

Turns out, The boys’ parents — Richard Heene and his wife, Mayumi — are storm chasers who appeared twice in the ABC reality show “Wife Swap,” most recently in March. Ah ha, I see. The dumbass plot thickens…

During a live interview with CNN, Falcon heard his family calling his name but didn’t come out of the attic because his father “had said that we did this for a show”

(Come ON!)

Nice work Reality TV cockslaps. These monsters are lower than the ground…

In other news, “Balloon Boy” Falcon is all set to release a new inspirational book called “All The Places You Will Never Go”…where the balloon is popped on page one…

Fuckin’ Stinky Chinese Drywall…

They have Chinese New Year, Fortune cookies, and herbs…but drywall?

When’s the last time China gave us anything good aside from food?

(Mo gu guy cat is good)

And we all know it wasn’t even food. It was “cat” or “dog”…

Why do you think they have animal shelters right near the restaurants?

Turns out, they sent us 500 million pounds of Chinese gypsum board drywall…

(Looks like a cocktail cracker)

Which was totally defective shit. Literally! The materials have been found by state and federal agencies to emit “volatile sulfur compounds,” and contain traces of strontium sulfide, which can produce a rotten-egg odor, along with organic compounds not found in American-made drywall. Homeowners complain the fumes are corroding copper pipes, destroying TVs and air conditioners, and blackening jewelry and silverware. Some believe the wallboard is also making them ill.

(Get a bucket kid or you’ll to clean it up)

Now when people visit you and say, “It smells like my husbands farts in here”…

You can say, “It does. Just think, I paid $409,000 for Chinese fart walls!”…

And we had such high hopes for the same douchebags giving us lead based toys…

Have a day!