When you think of Fireman, what comes to mind? Heroic? Brave? Hunks in calendars with a hose for a penis metaphor? (“Oh, I didn’t notice you there”) Sure it does, but you’re all wrong… Oakbrook resident Connie Xinos wants to put the “fire” back in Firemen… (I hate everything) At a Citizens Finance Advisory Committee meeting […]

It was great… A comedian, being asked to address a committee on immigration (“Douche bag says what?”) And he used his Character to mock them, then point out the issues… It was STELLAR. Some scream, “You’re wasting congresses time” (“My bathroom break was a #1”) Others will say “You’re wasting $” But it’s congress, can’t […]

The owner of Segway sadly went over a cliff to his death while riding on… Now wait for it…a Segway… (Sad day buddy) He thought he had the “parachute” model Because they didn’t invent a “cliff diving” model yet… (A tiny Segway is hidden up his ass) Thank god for gravity, cause it would’ve sucked […]

Dressing up your pets until they resent you by shitting in your shoes? Combing your hair for hours only to figure out you’re bald? Watching Tivo’d re-runs of Silver Spoons or Punky Brewster? How about watching the greatest football rivalry in the history of forever? Bear vs. Packers tonight on MNF (It’s a look. Is […]

Youth in sucked… (Tried, but failed) It’s one of those flicks where you know the maker said “I love Wes Anderson… And I’m gonna set out to make a movie with his style” Then fucked it up badly… So badly that you start punching yourself half way through (Didn’t see it coming from myself) Mostly […]

It’s science fact… (I’m so cute an innocent) They’ve got all night to plot some serious shit while we’re sleeping Then when we wake up, oh look, they’ve got that confidant smile on their face Cause they did something really bad (Oh, I remember that) When your local bank gets robbed, but no one is […]

Yeah, me neither… (Did a FOL marathon instead) I had some refrigerator magnets to rearrange. Big night DWTS’s major demo is pre-teen boys who watch it in “another room alone” If I wanted to watch David Hasselhoff depressed after losing (Elvis wants his collar back) I’d drive to his house & watch him drunkingly eat […]

Let’s say pussies vs. the criminally insane… Or nice enough impotent dates vs. people who tie you up and slap you around… Why do you think Rock-Em-Sock-Em Robots are those colors? (You sank my…wait wrong game) Make no mistake rational Americans in the middle… Your choice is picking between A smelly fart that tries to […]

As Glenn Wreck does “his thing” The modern world with a functioning IQ of 7 or higher does theirs (Do we pay a $29 restocking fee?) His “thing” consists of blatant lies mixed with a racial divide Topped off with irrational insults, and personal attacks (Gimme a “racial tension” hug) He ridiculed Michelle Obama’s campaign […]

To form Fwitter… (Chili, I can taste it) Actually Facebook had really low sperm count from wearing tighty whities So Twitter had to use fertility drugs (That went well) And they had octuplets… With names like Joost, Vudu, Flicker, MILF Hunter, and many more Their youngest is an Imperial rapping pirate named Slick Rick (Like […]