Here they are, in all there splendor (Carnies) –The Mustashe Ride-Not for kids –The Insurance Ride-You must have current health insurance, expect no lines –The Wallet Lifter-A group of aimless drifters ride next to you & rob you –The Line Ride-Wait in long line. When you get to the end they say, “Rides over” –The […]

What’s the three best things about Arizona? (Classy!) Guns, sand, and no abortions based on race… Cool! Wait? Wha? Why? Huh? She signed a goofy as fuck law that outlaws abortions performed on the basis of the race or gender of the fetus My question: how the holy fuck do you “prove” this? (Ah! Is […]

Sure we’ve all made mistakes. Except me… *Strokes chin, looks skyward, and thinks for a moment* Yep, not once. Nope, never…in the history of forever… (The Devil Wears Prague? Nice) 10) You don’t actually ever give it to them-If your resume sucks, don’t give it. Instead, adjust your clip-on tie and state, “My dogs dog […]

Your hair? Shampooing your dog? Playing strip Jenga? Watching grown men try to stick something into something for points? (“I’m fucking sporty”) How about watching Obama’s speech on Libya? Oh, sorry, it’s strip Twister with the MILF’s net door…my bad Listen up America, this shit effects us all. We’re streached thin (Not that thin) But […]

Ask any FOX Republican, Tea Turd, or Freedom Works Ayn Rander about Obama You hear the same string of irrational lies, personal insults, and mouth foaming hate (Where’s my beef jerky & NASCAR?) He’s a “Socialist”, “Maoist”, “Commie”, Who’s also a “Baby punching human zombie face eater” Opposition was always about stopping an “out of […]

Seriously?!?!? (Oh shit) Oh, my bad Didn’t see you there… Have a day!

What do you expect to hear from a sweet little old 92 year-old lady? (Maybe on their door) -Here’s a dollar for helping me with my groceries -You’re such a gentleman for holding that door -If I take my teeth out, it’ll feel way better(Ewwwwwwwwww) Especially someone who looks like this: (“I wouldn’t hurt nobody”) […]

Captain Kirk’s now 80. *Enterprise doors shhhhhhhh* (Nice) Sorry, standing too close to the door sensor… Spock got him a cane with a horn on that says, “Old Fart” Kirk said, “Are you out of your Vulcan mind Spock? I could scare the older older ladies riding rascals into a ditch” (Whoopsie Gammy!) Sad but […]

It’s the bomb! Too soon? Yeah, too soon… It’s nice to know that Gaddafi is nuttier than my poop after 3lbs of cashews… (Micheal Jackson looks like shit) When your country basically says, “Get out, we hate you”, you lost your audience And bombing them, or trying to kill them is makes you the terrorist […]

Sorry, I’m already drunk… (Nice!) If you’re in Chicago & see the green river, screw with your friends Say, “What are you talking about, the river isn’t green?” Your friend’ll rub their eyes, and say, “Damn, after the stroke, and the mouth puking, I’m still sloshed, cause I can’t see for shit” (Not green) What […]