(Nothing says bad-ass like Bambi)

Rested, and ready to rock. Damn straight. Did you miss me honey?

I missed you. Here now, let me look at you…

*John looks around his intera-wide-webpage to see what Phil might have done*

Whoa! Who gave you this black eye momma bear?

Tell me. Don’t look away from me. Who did this to you?

(Awwwww, how dysfunctional)

You what?

You accidentally hit it on a door knob while bending over to get your car keys?

That has to be the stupidest thing, I’ve ever heard someon…

*John drops his car keys, bends over to pick them up. Hits eye on door knob*

(Don’t cut in line at Subway)

I totally believe you baby…

Things That Aren’t True…

(I painted it. Nice huh?)

-St. Patrick is the patron saint of hangovers
-AIG brokers deserved a bonus
-Nancy Pelosi can shoot lasers from her eyes and eats children
-“March Madness” will now be called “Exploiting NCAA Basketball Players For Money”
-Warlocks don’t have to file tax returns
-Casino’s offer to give money back only if you really needed it
-The new Dora The Bi-Sexual Explorer doll is selling really well
-Jim Cramer from Mad Money still has a shred of credibility
-Popping in Leprechaun the movie will really impress that special someone today

(So did the audience)

If Leprechauns really had a pot of gold, in today’s economy, do you think they’d just be hanging out at the end of a rainbow waiting to be found? Fuck no! They’d be in Vegas, New York, or Santa Monica blowing it on top notch hookers and drugs…

Think about it. They’re freakishly short, so they have to pay for sex anyway…

Happy St. Patrick’s Day!

Now go have a day before I gotta send Leprechaun to kick you in the shamrocks…